How were our lives transformed by the death and Resurrection of Jesus Christ over two thousand years ago? One seismic change can be summed up in four words: Constant access to God.

When Jesus breathed His last on the Cross, many miraculous phenomena occurred at that moment; some simultaneously, including an earthquake and graves opening with some of the dead coming to life. But for our topic today, the wonder that seems more jaw-dropping to me was the ripping of the huge curtain before the Holy of Holies in the Jewish temple (Matthew 27:51). The Holy of Holies was a sacred square room where God dwelt, and no ordinary person could enter that room and therefore into His presence. The curtain guarding God’s presence was thick, heavy and woven in one gigantic piece; various Jewish sources say it was from 30-60 feet tall.

The tearing of the curtain from top to bottom, as if by invisible hands, signified many changes God was making, but an important and practical one for us today is it symbolized a new and constant access to God’s presence. Because of Christ’s sacrifice, the curtain was torn in half, by God Himself, inviting entrance into God’s holy presence for all who desire to come to Him. It’s as if God hung a sign over that space that said, “Now Open.”

That means we can talk to God, which is to enter into His presence, at any time, in contrast to those who lived before the Cross, who could only be near God by going to the temple. And never could they go behind the curtain.

So how does this change our prayers today?

First, we can pray anytime and anywhere because the way is now open. Jesus actually modeled this kind of praying for us. The Gospels record Him talking to His Father in various places during the day and the night. And He demonstrated a simple pattern to follow instead of giving us a list of rules with dos and don’ts. What we call the “Lord’s Prayer”—starting with “Our Father who art in heaven”—invites a personal, anytime, anywhere kind of relationship.

Any time means God is always available. As Psalm 121:4 tells us, “Behold, he who keeps Israel will neither slumber nor sleep.” I love this verse because I know when I’m awake at night, which is more than I’d like, I can talk to God in the darkness of night and know He is listening.

Psalm 121:4 was the inspiration for a wonderful prayer in God’s Minute: A Book of 365 Daily Prayers published in 1916, a little book full of great prayers that I found at a flea market:

My ever-present Father,
I praise Thee for constant access to Thee in Jesus Christ.
Thou art ever the same.
I give thanks there is never a “Closed” sign
posted before Thy throne, nor “Away for Vacation.”
With Thee there is not even any shutting the eyes.
For Thy Word says,
“He who keeps you will neither slumber nor sleep.
How great is my God.

Amen.

Think about that! God is always available, never sleeps, and is ready to listen any time I call His name!

It is incomprehensible to me to imagine life without sleep. As a mom, I often craved sleep and even made it an idol. Even in my empty-nest years, without children waking me, good restful sleep is something I often long for.

Someday I will leave the confines of this earthly body. God’s promise of being made in the image of Jesus, with a glorified body, will become reality. To be unencumbered by fatigue sounds wonderful!

And it might be fun, too. Remember Jesus appeared in rooms without walking in the door? And He walked on water! What freedoms might we enjoy one day when we are with Him? For now, you and I are too confined to our earthly bodies, the tents in which we now reside.

But God. He neither slumbers nor sleeps!

Second, we can experience God’s ever-with-me presence anytime and anywhere. In the Old Testament, God confined Himself to that small room, the Holy of Holies, inside the temple behind that huge, thick curtain as part of His plan. Because His people didn’t have the presence of God with them as we do with the gift of the Holy Spirit, they had to go to the temple and offer sacrifices to be near God and to make peace with Him.

What a spectacular difference in life before the Cross and after! Yet, sadly, we are so accustomed to this access to God that we often take it for granted. As we look at prayer for the next month, remind yourself of the wonder of God’s access and His presence with you and in you! The Old Testament saints would be in awe. And so should we.

Practically, this means I don’t have to go to church to pray and be near God. If I know Jesus as my Savior, He is not just near me, He is by His Spirit IN me. Jesus said to His disciples during the Last Supper that the Holy Spirit “dwells with you and will be in you” (John 14:17).

The holy almighty presence of God resides within me, not just near me. Let that sink in for a minute, and you might feel differently about your day today.

So even when we are tired or feeling far from God, we may at any time, in any place, for any reason confidently approach “the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need” (Hebrews 4:16).

When you wake startled from a harrowing nightmare or from the cries of a sick child, or when you toss with the insomnia of an anxious heart, His eyes—and His heart—are wide open. Is there anyone else like Him? No lover, no ruler, no mother can ever compare to His unshakable open-door policy.

God invites you to approach His throne boldly. Not cautiously, fearfully, or only during certain hours, but with confidence. Simply stunning is our access to our God.

Do you know Jesus? If you have surrendered your life to His safekeeping, this is the kind of relationship He wants—free unlimited access at any time, day or night. Run to Him boldly, in every hour—and give thanks that He is perpetually available to your every need.

If you don’t know Jesus, now is a great time to surrender to Him. This kind of anytime, anywhere prayer is how you begin a real relationship with God. Start by telling Him you want to know Him and that you want Him to rule and reign in your heart. Confess that you’ve done a lousy job of running your life on your own and that you want His help. Tell Him whatever you desire, but most important is your surrender, your admission you can’t do life on your own.

God loves to hear that from His children. He’s a good Father who wants the best for His kids, so invite Him to start that work in your life. This Easter season is a great time to begin!

To help you talk to God, we encourage you to print this beautifully designed prayer as my gift to you:

Click Here to Download the Free Prayer Printable PDF

If you enjoyed reading this, be sure to read “Pestering God,” another post by Barbara about prayer.

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We hope you enjoy this excerpt from Barbara’s new book, Remember: A Four-Week Devotional for Eastertide. Says Barbara, “I wrote Remember because I wanted us to savor what Christ did on the Cross a bit more—to walk the roads He walked and learn from the moments He shared with His followers who were just like you and me.” We have limited quantities be sure to order yours today. We’re hoping the book will be your new favorite quiet time devotional.

“If our religion is something objective, then we must never avert our eyes from those elements in it which seem puzzling or repellent; for it will be precisely the puzzling or the repellent which conceals what we do not yet know and need to know.”
-C.S. Lewis

“Therefore, as you received Christ Jesus the Lord, so walk in him, rooted and built up in him and established in the faith ...”
-Colossians 2:6-7

For we who live in this prosperous era, suffering seems wrong, out of place. Comfort insulates us, keeping most suffering distant enough that we forget its inevitability, so that when hardship strikes, we feel caught off guard. The onslaught feels unfair.

But Jesus, fully God who knows all things, made clear to His followers that suffering is an inevitable consequence of ordinary living. “In the world you will have tribulation,” He said (John 16:33). As difficult as they are to hear, these words tell us the truth about ourselves and our world. And that truth is the world is broken, which leads to wicked weather and storms, sickness and disease, and short, difficult, and painful lives that always end in death.

As Jesus called His disciples, He made it clear, repeating this challenge five times, “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me” (Luke 9:23). The words “take up your cross” literally meant to carry an instrument of execution. Figuratively, the words meant that discipleship included carrying pain and suffering.

On the mountainside by the Sea of Galilee, Jesus spoke beautiful words to a huge crowd of eager listeners. Right from the start, He included nine beatitudes, or sayings of blessing. The last two blessings carried words of suffering: “Blessed are those who are persecuted for righteousness’ sake, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven,” and, “Blessed are you when others revile you and persecute you and utter all kinds of evil against you falsely on my account” (Matthew 5:10-11).

Hearing blessings like these raises eyebrows. It seems Jesus was saying being associated with Him, as God’s chosen leader for His offensive to reclaim people who are rightly His, can be dangerous. Ownership of every human heart remains contested and serious; it’s a battle with consequences. Suffering will result all around.

Surprisingly and hopefully, Jesus ended His last two blessings with happier words: “Rejoice and be glad ...” (Matthew 5:12). But how can gladness and rejoicing be possible when suffering?

Three reasons come from Scripture. First, Jesus promised “... for your reward is great in heaven ...” (Matthew 5:12). Second, we can rejoice toward God because we have hope for the future. Even if our bodies are wracked with pain, we know God sees, He aches with us, and He will one day end all pain and suffering.

And third, we can rejoice because Jesus endured worse for you and me. He did it by focusing on the joy set before Him. Jesus knowingly entered truly awful suffering because He saw past the present agony to a future of pure joy. His example gives us courage to persevere as He did for the same joy He received. Hebrews 12:1-2 tells us to run our race with endurance with Christ as our example: “who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God.”

Jesus taught us by His example that we, too, can survive hard times and suffering, because there is joy ahead for us also. Our path of discipleship mirrors our Master and our Friend’s. It is too easy to forget the reward of joy when we look only at the immediate experiences of suffering in this life.

An amazing story of gratitude and joy for an undeserved suffering comes from a woman named Fanny Crosby. As an infant, she became sick and her parents called for a doctor to come help. The medicine he prescribed tragically made her go blind.

For the rest of her long life, she endured endless difficulties from living without sight. But instead of becoming bitter, she chose to believe God meant good and He could bring good to her. During her lifetime, she wrote more than 8,000 hymns, including many well known today, such as “Blessed Assurance” and “To God Be the Glory.”

Famously, she said, “If I had a choice, I would choose to remain blind ... for when I die the first face I will see will be that of my blessed Savior.”

These words of Fanny’s aren’t simply a good spin on her hardship. Her perspective grew from the truth of the Bible, which tells us plainly that when we get to heaven, we will see Him face to face. Jesus will welcome you face to face just as He did Fanny.

In my over fifty years of walking by faith with Jesus, I’ve encountered far more hardship, pain, loss, and suffering than I could have imagined when I was an eager new disciple in my twenties. The kindness of God didn’t tell me what the future held, and I’m grateful. He is a good Father who only tells His children what they need to hear when they need it.

But the suffering He allows we can confidently believe will result in good. Always. And His promises make all the difference in our suffering, for He promises to never leave or forsake us. He says that nothing will be able to separate us from Him. Jesus’s Resurrection guarantees these promises, because He became utterly forsaken, alone, friendless, and hopeless. He experienced unutterable agony on the Cross so that we might never be separated from God.

What promises! What a Savior!

He is risen indeed!

For Eastertide reflection:

1. I can confidently declare that all the hardships, injuries, sicknesses, relational distress and loss, and deaths of loved ones I’ve endured have been worth it. Why? Because I have learned amazing things from Jesus I wouldn’t have known otherwise. It’s one of the secrets of suffering—sufferers get closer to God and see Him more clearly. In your journal or the space below, write one or more lessons or truths you’ve learned about God from traveling through a hard season in your life.

2. Read Psalm 23. If you were asked to speak or write an article on the lessons you’ve learned from your valley of the shadow of death, what verse or several verses would you list as those that gave you the most comfort and peace?

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We hope you enjoy this excerpt from Barbara’s new book, Remember: A Four-Week Devotional for Eastertide. Says Barbara, “I wrote Remember because I wanted us to savor what Christ did on the Cross a bit more—to walk the roads He walked and learn from the moments He shared with His followers who were just like you and me.” We have limited quantities, so be sure to order yours today. We’re hoping the book will be your new favorite quiet time devotional.

“In Christ you are restored to your true self.”
-Dane Ortland

“For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them.”
-Ephesians 2:10

If you’ve ever known someone who became addicted to drugs or alcohol or who suffered the side effects of medications for a disease, you know what it means for a person not to be himself or herself. Reason, logic, common sense, and personality can all change so that you feel as if the person you once knew doesn’t exist now. And in many cases, that actually happened. The substance robbed the person of the characteristics that once defined him. It is tragic and sad to watch.

A similar tragedy happens when teens or young people spend enormous amounts of time trying to be like someone they admire. They force behaviors and language to appear like the person they admire, but family members watching see the sad truth.

It’s not unlike the example Adam and Eve set for humanity when they compared what God had given them with the knowledge that God was, in fact, superior. The serpent’s not-so-subtle suggestion that this disparity was not fair led them to believe his lies and then to surrender their free will to his agenda over God’s. The power of their sin changed their personalities and their true selves. They fell short of the purpose for which God had made them.

Today, as Christians living in a non-Christian world, a multitude of voices fill our minds with a wide array of opinions and beliefs telling each of us to find ourselves, be who you want to be, discover your true self. This value system entices each person with the hope of importance, recognition, or even fame in the eyes of other people. Those six words shine the light on our mistake. We look to people for value instead of our Creator.

While we do need to seek to understand our unique makeup so we can maximize those gifts, any realization of our identity as Christians made in His image must come first from our Creator. Instead of looking inward to “be ourselves,” God’s calls each of His children to look upward to Christ, to recognize His supreme value, His unending love for us, and to elevate Him as He deserves. Only then will we be freed from the snare of self to become all we were meant to be.

God stated His goal simply: “You shall therefore be holy, for I am holy” (Leviticus 11:45). God wants His own to be made like His Son who did nothing on His “own initiative” (John 5:30). but in perfect communication with His Father lived every minute of every day with His self, His flesh, His desires surrendered to the will of the Father.

In the beginning, humans were made like this in the image of God. As Genesis describes the scene, Adam and Eve’s sinful rebellion distorted, disfigured, and dulled God’s image in us. Now that we belong to Him again through Christ, our surrender to Him allows His restoration work to begin to transform us into what we were always meant to be—holy like our Father.

One theologian called the process of God’s changing work in us “redemptive continuity.” Paul wrote, “he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion” (Philippians 1:6). God does the transforming work, not us.

He is changing us from ordinary humans into glorified beings when we see Him face to face. As Mike Mason wrote, “The truly righteous person, it turns out, is the one who places no expectations on himself. From God he expects everything, but from himself he expects nothing, because he knows he is dust.” Our work is yielding to His work. It’s the key to becoming like our beloved Savior, Jesus the Christ.

To help us envision what God is doing in our lives after He saves us, C. S. Lewis tells the tale of a cottage renovation.

“Imagine yourself as a living house. God comes in to rebuild that house. At first, perhaps, you can understand what He is doing. He is getting the drains right and stopping the leaks in the roof and so on; you knew that those jobs needed doing and so you are not surprised. But presently He starts knocking the house about in a way that hurts abominably and does not seem to make any sense. What on earth is He up to? The explanation is that He is building quite a different house from the one you thought of—throwing out a new wing here, putting on an extra floor there, running up towers, making courtyards. You thought you were being made into a decent little cottage: but He is building a palace.”

The most helpful parallel in Lewis’s illustration for us is the long timeframe of our transformation journey. Each of us brings significant sin and strength of will that the Father must deconstruct during our sanctification (becoming like Christ). And like building construction, multiple delays and difficulties and disappointments will accompany God’s work for the length of our lifetimes.

The goal of the Trinity is to return His growing family to what He intended in Eden—people who walked with God, reflected God’s image, and did the work He created them to do while living holy and pure lives like His Son.

As we turn our eyes to Jesus Christ, God’s perfect image bearer, and follow Him as humble disciples, we begin to absorb and mirror His qualities like gentleness, kindness, forgiveness, justice, and love. Looking to Jesus, we begin to become truly human. In Christ, Dane Ortland writes, “we become our true selves. We are given back our humanity.”

He is risen, so we might too ... one day!

For Eastertide reflection:

1. Throughout this devotion, one clear theme is woven: Who controls you? In the beginning, we looked at the controlling influence of substances and other people. Then we looked at Jesus, who did nothing on His own initiative, and Adam and Eve, who did everything on their own initiative. Then we looked at God’s intentions. Take a minute to write out what God desires to do in you.

2. Now, talk to Him about your desire to control your own life (for we all do this). Finish by surrendering to His control, whether this is the first time ever, or the tenth time today. Surrendering is a daily repetitive action that allows Him to change us into the image of Jesus.

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We hope you enjoy this excerpt from Barbara’s new book, Remember: A Four-Week Devotional for Eastertide. Says Barbara, “I wrote Remember because I wanted us to savor what Christ did on the Cross a bit more—to walk the roads He walked and learn from the moments He shared with His followers who were just like you and me.” We have limited quantities, so be sure to order yours today. We’re hoping the book will be your new favorite quiet time devotional.

“Beginnings are mysterious things: part breath, part hope, part fumble, part grace.
Roots are perhaps the most humble of God’s creations on earth.
They require neither acknowledgment nor praise.
Their reward is reaped when the living stand upon them
and reach for the fruit the roots made possible. “
-Alicia Britt Chole

“... you have received the Spirit of adoption as sons, by whom we cry, ‘Abba! Father!’ the Spirit himself bears witness with our spirit that we are children of God.
-Romans 8:15-16

Early in John’s account of Jesus’ life, a wealthy and powerful leader in the Jewish community entered the story. Nicodemus seemed mildly curious about this unconventional teacher. Clearly concerned about being seen with Him, Nicodemus arranged to meet Jesus under cover of darkness, in secret.

Bolstered by an impressive academic resume, Nicodemus met Jesus to test Him, to assess the validity of what he’d heard. As the one who initiated the meeting, he began the conversation with a safe statement of praise to give himself the advantage: “Rabbi, we know that you are a teacher come from God, for no one can do these signs that you do unless God is with him” (John 3:2).

Unafraid, Jesus, who knew Nicodemus’s heart, shunned the shallow sentiment and replied with, “Truly, truly, I say to you ...” indicating he knew Nicodemus’ words were part flattery, part test, and He was changing the subject. Jesus came to save, not debate, so He gave this highly intelligent man a new truth: “unless one is born of water and the Spirit, he cannot see the kingdom of God” (John 3:5).

Nicodemus could not have been more confused. In a blink, his attempts to steer the conversation had been upended. Mystery had revealed a profound truth, but to his earthly ears it made no sense. He stood speechless for a few moments.

Being “born again,” a spiritual rebirth, signals starting over in life like an infant. Matthew, Mark, and Luke all record Jesus teaching fully grown adult disciples to “turn and become like children,” (Matthew 18:3) and “whoever does not receive the kingdom of God like a child shall not enter it” Luke. 18:17). “Becoming a child” is a theme Jesus repeated.

Why? Because God seeks His family. God identifies Himself as Father in the Old Testament, first to Pharaoh, saying, “Israel is my firstborn son” (Exodus 4:22). He then repeats this title throughout the length of Scripture. He even calls Himself “Abba” (or our Daddy) and tells us repeatedly how much He loves us, like in Jeremiah 31:3 where He says, “I have loved you with an everlasting love.” Then He sent His Son, the greatest demonstration of love, to rescue us prodigals and bring us back to Him.

Jesus arrived to save Adam and Eve’s children, who, like our first parents, have continued to turn our backs on God to do life our own way. Even the highly religious descendants of Abraham, the Nicodemuses of the centuries, believed God’s salvation depended on one’s effort. To achieve His favor? Keep the rules. Earn it.

But becoming like a child sets aside ability and exposes where one is helpless and needy. A spiritual rebirth comes when you understand that you cannot earn God’s favor by following any rules. We must, like little children, fully depend on God to bring us into His family.

Beyond our salvation, Jesus defines another dimension of “becoming a child” when He says, “Whoever humbles himself like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven” (Matthew 18:4). Humility pleases God because it demonstrates our need for Him every day.

A dear friend of mine, ten years older, once told me how to relate to grown-up children: “You must become small,” she said. “When your children were small babies, you were very big in their lives. You had to be, or they wouldn’t have survived. Then they became capable of dressing and feeding themselves, and though it was messy, you let them because you knew it was necessary for growth.

“One day, they will be grown enough to leave home for work or college or the military or a job. And on that day, you must begin to get small. It’s their turn to become big in this world. It’s your turn to be small, let them make all their own decisions and mistakes, and only give advice if asked.”

Like parents who need to “become small” in order for their children to thrive, all of us are called to humble ourselves before Christ our Lord. Jesus is our King, and humility is necessary in a right and healthy relationship with the Creator of the universe.

John the Baptist demonstrates becoming small when he said of Jesus, “He must increase, but I must decrease” (John 3:30). John chose to humble himself, to become small, so others could see more of the Lamb of God. He refused to compete with Jesus. He knew God had a plan, a role for him that he must fulfill. He accepted what God had ordained. Do you think about becoming small so Jesus can shine more brightly than you?

Mike Mason wrote, “Ironically, in the family of God, to become a little child is to have attained maturity. Spiritual growth means growth in childlikeness. To grow up is to grow down. Maturity counts, but age does not.”

Even in becoming like a small child, Jesus sets the example. He set aside all His glory and became a microscopic cell in the womb of Mary. He began His life on earth just as we do, became a child as we did, but never sinned. He retained His innocence, His complete trust in His Father. God desires we imitate Him: “be imitators of God, as beloved children” (Ephesians 5:1).

God invites us, His disciples and children, to become pure and innocent again, as He intended once upon a time in Eden. When we become truly child-like, God smiles with delight. “For he who is least among you all is the one who is great” (Luke 9:48).

Because Christ is risen!

For Eastertide reflection:

1. Above, I asked, “Do you think about becoming small so Jesus can shine more brightly than you?” As I typed that question, I realized I’ve never asked this of myself. Take some time to ponder what this might mean, what changes you might need to make.

2. Unlike many adults, little children aren’t suspicious. Filled with wonder, they are exuberant and eagerly express affection to everyone without prejudice or fear. And before the age of three, most don’t yet have the cognitive ability to lie. Are there other descriptors you’d add to my list? How might you become more like a child?

Both of these questions would make great topics for journaling!

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We hope you enjoy this excerpt from Barbara’s new book, Remember: A Four-Week Devotional for Eastertide. Says Barbara, “I wrote Remember because I wanted us to savor what Christ did on the Cross a bit more—to walk the roads He walked and learn from the moments He shared with His followers who were just like you and me.” We have limited quantities, so be sure to order yours today. We’re hoping the book will be your new favorite quiet time devotional.

“Jesus’ good news, then, was that the Kingdom of God had come,
and that He, Jesus, was its herald and expounder to men.
More than that, in some special mysterious way,
He was the Kingdom.”
- Malcolm Muggeridge

“I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will not walk in darkness,
but will have the light of life.”
- John 8:12

Jesus’ call to those who would be His disciples was simple: “Follow Me.”

The road of life Jesus walked took Him through a difficult family of origin. His father died, His brothers were jealous, and no one understood His different ways or His highly creative nature. And then He left home.

His adult years of ministry saw great moments of victory when people were changed by His words, and others were healed by miracles. Then came the highest moment of all when many followers recognized Him as the Messiah on Palm Sunday.

But ongoing false accusations by enemies, desertions by many who claimed to believe, and finally a torturous death seemed, to His disciples, to nullify the good. So He taught them: “‘A servant is not greater than his master.’ If they persecuted me, they will also persecute you” (John 15:20).

Jesus knows being a disciple won’t be easy. He also knows following Him will be worth it. He will deliver each of us from the deceiver now and will give us eternal life, which begins on earth.

Twelve men answered His call to become disciples, to be His band of brothers, His trainees to lead the charge when He returned to Heaven. One of the first was Andrew, who then found his brother, Simon, and told him, “We have found the Messiah” (John 1:41). Then Andrew took Simon to Jesus.

When Jesus saw Simon, He knew this was the man upon whom He could depend. Jesus said to Simon, “You shall be called Cephas (which means Peter)” (John 1:42). The giving of a new name signaled a new identity, a new future. It confirmed to Peter that he forever belonged to Jesus.

“Follow Me” took Peter and all the disciples through experiences beyond their imagining as they walked a roller coaster road and owned a front row seat to every word and action by their Master. As His understudies or apprentices, they heard every sermon, watched most every healing, saw people raised from the dead, and enjoyed private conversations and explanations with Jesus apart from the crowds. His parables confused them, but His eyes and His heart of compassion were unlike any human.

Soon they all recognized He was the Son of God. Even with the hardships and mysteries, they wouldn’t trade knowing Jesus for any other teacher.

After the Resurrection, some of the disciples returned to Galilee. While they waited for Jesus to show up as He’d promised, they went fishing, for they had no mission or purpose without His daily presence. We looked at this appearance of Jesus last week, but today we revisit the scene in John 21 for another reason.

John did not tell us what happened when Peter reached the shore dripping wet, his garments plastered to his body with seawater. Did he hug Jesus and fall on his face at his feet? Or did he just stare incomprehensibly but with great joy and a huge smile on his face at the God-man whom he loved, who had changed all their lives?

After Jesus asked Peter for the third time, “Simon, son of John, do you love me?” He added a personal postscript: “... when you are old, you will stretch out your hands, and another will dress you and carry you where you do not want to go.” The prophecy unnerved Peter and caused every man to catch his breath, for they knew to stretch out your hands meant crucifixion. A somber silence settled on the circle. The fire withheld all warmth.

Then Jesus said, “Follow Me!” The men began to breathe again at the sound of this familiar refrain. Hundreds of times those words were spoken to them and others. This time, the words gave comfort. The reason they left all to follow Him had not changed; instead, it had come full circle. To be a disciple of the risen Master remains the same, but following Jesus to the end will be hard and painful.

Peter heard what Jesus said, but felt very conspicuous being the only one spoken to. All six of his lifelong fishing partners were watching. So to deflect attention, Peter asked, “What about this man [John]?” Jesus replied, “What is that to you? You follow Me!”

Peter, selfish to the core like us, thought that Jesus’ revelation of his destiny was only about and for himself. But Jesus meant it for everyone, for all would get old and all would suffer. Jesus words could have been a sermon titled: “Getting Old Will Be Hard, but Don’t Quit Following Me.”

From the disciples’ first meeting of Jesus, their marching orders were clear: “Follow Me.” Following meant more than “Go where I go.” It also meant become like Me. Love, forgive, serve, restore, and be united with the Father as I am. We, His disciples in another century, follow Him amidst the ups and downs of ordinary lives in a sin-filled world just as Peter and the others did. Our call mirrors theirs, “Follow Me.”

The heart of the gospel is Jesus.

The heart of discipleship is “Follow Me.”

Because Christ is risen, just as He said.

For Eastertide reflection:

1. Most of you have been disciples of Jesus long enough to know the road is not flower-strewn, but pocked with potholes, cracked by flooding waters, rising and falling over terrain swampy or rocky. You’ve walked long enough now to know there is no companion so dear and constant as your Jesus. What insight has He given you this year that was a great gift to your heart and soul?

2. There is an old hymn, “I Have Decided to Follow Jesus.” Look it up in a hymn book or online and read the lyrics. I remember in my childhood or teens singing, “No turning back, no turning back.” Reading or singing these words might be a fresh way to renew your commitment to follow Him as His disciple.

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We have a limited number of copies left of my new book—click here to order one!

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Do you ever wonder what God is doing in your life or in your world? Are you praying and waiting, praying and wondering—all the while knowing that He is the God who could change it all ... but still hasn’t yet? Sometimes it’s hard to understand.

The fact is that the omnipotent, all-knowing God is working the events in our lives on a level that we will never understand. He is God, and we are not.

I love the old phrase, “We play checkers while God is playing chess.” We keep our red and black chips close, carefully strategizing our moves, one by one. A jump here. One square there. Checker by checker, making progress, one stealthy move at a time.

God, on the other hand, plays a glorious, grandmaster game of chess. He has every move carefully and strategically planned. And He is making millions of moves all at once—kings, queens, pawns, bishops and more—all in a singular seamless movement, beautifully orchestrated as the pieces move in time to parts of an interwoven plan.

God is always loving, directing, guiding, orchestrating for the good of His children and the glory of His name toward a grand and majestic, pre-determined finale.

We are so limited by time and space that it is a mystery to us how He could be working all of these details of our lives together. All of the details of history together. All of the details of the eternity together. But He is!

Remember Joseph? He was beaten and betrayed by his own brothers, sent to be a slave in a foreign land, imprisoned for wrongs that he never committed. I’m sure Joseph would have never chosen to move any of his checkers into those slots.

But God was working as His pawn languished in jail. One amazing day, Joseph was released and knighted as second in command over all of Egypt. Check. Because of Joseph’s responsibilities, he was able to provide food during a great famine to keep his own family from starvation. Checkmate.

God knew what He was doing, even though it was a great enigma to Joseph. Famously, Joseph acknowledged, “God meant it for good” (Genesis 50:20). And God’s moves appear just as mysterious to us today. Yet, they are still just as good.

So what does all this have to do with the season of Lent?

As we move closer to Easter and study what the Bible says about the life of Christ and His purpose for coming to earth, these events are just as mysterious. It’s hard to discern how the hand of God was moving in those events long ago.

The Jews in those days longed and hoped for a Messiah. The Scriptures told them a Messiah was coming. But to them this was a puzzle, a mystery. God was moving in ways they did not understand.

Some of the most fascinating mystery novels are full of twists and turns that leave you surprised and hungry for more. In the same way, God’s story in the Bible is actually a series of clues. And the clues in the Old Testament reveal one of the most mind-boggling mysteries of all time—the Messiah who would come one day to live on the earth and pay the ultimate price for our sin.

With God, nothing is random. Every detail is ordered with purpose. So His clues about the Messiah aren’t haphazard or left behind accidentally. They are purposeful and perfectly orchestrated, just like His chess moves.

And with the help of Scripture, we can now understand how God was moving those chess pieces in time to accomplish His purposes.

We have created a devotional called The Messiah Mystery to help you and your family unravel the mystery of Jesus, one clue at a time. As parents, we long to influence our children toward truth, to connect with them in meaningful ways. When we teach them about Jesus, we take their hands and help them touch the transcendent unseen. Bringing the reality of the eternal to our homes knits relationships together.

Sometimes it feels like the biggest mystery of all is helping our children understand who Jesus was and why He died. As we move into the season of Lent, The Messiah Mystery can help your family learn about the greatest story, the greatest mystery, of all time. You can grab your copy in our Etsy shop by clicking here.

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Cucu occupied a roadside spot in a Kenyan slum. Her grandchildren dropped her there each morning to beg because she was unable to walk. Her legs might not have been strong, but her mouth was shouting harsh demands for money at every passerby. She needed the handouts to fund her alcohol and drug addiction.

Chao, a missionary, took Cucu meals and sat with her some days. Cucu took the food from Chao’s hand and threw it right back in her face. Chao started bringing her Bible, too, hoping to read Scripture and pray for Cucu. But Cucu jerked the Bible from Chao’s hands and threw it away, cursing loudly.

Chao felt that she could still do more for her friend. She got up the nerve to offer to give Cucu a bath, something Cucu hadn’t had in months. Chao was certain Cucu would beat her up and spit in her face, but this rude woman amazingly said yes! Afterward, a clean, pleasant-smelling Cucu continued with her hateful words and actions, but Chao knew she felt the love of Christ from this kind act.

You may not have spit in someone’s face, but you’ve probably allowed a selfish, wounded heart to show in rude actions. Ignoring someone, cutting in line, talking loudly during a church service, or even playing on your phone while pretending to listen is all rude behavior.

You see, rudeness is a violation of human dignity, an affront to an individual’s worth. But because each person is made in the image of God, everyone should be respected and treated kindly, even difficult people like Cucu.

PRAYER: Lord, help me remember that I represent You every moment of every day. Help me be aware of the ways that I might be rude to others. Help me to see people as You see them, made in Your image. Help me to treat them in a way that I would want to be treated, the way You treat me. Amen.

This excerpt comes from an Ever Thine Home resource with fourteen days of stories teaching parents and children how to love as God intends. Our How Do I Love Thee Heart Banner and cards use the “Love Chapter” of 1 Corinthians 13 (Love is patient ... love is kind ... etc.) to explain the concept of true, biblical love.

I created this resource because Christian parents need a way to help their children learn to love. And our culture’s celebration of Valentine’s Day has become focused almost entirely on romantic love. True love, God’s love, is so much more.

The How Do I Love Thee Heart Banner takes the truth of the Bible and tells a story with a practical application that your families can enjoy applying immediately. Stories stick in our memories more than simply teaching principles or telling children to love more. They need to know what it looks like to love more. These stories will illustrate each of the descriptors of love in this chapter of the Bible.

Fifteen hearts come in this kit, each with a story to read to your family. The first is a short introduction to why these two weeks focused on love is so important. The verse, “We love because Christ first loved us,” forms the foundation for our ability to love. Hung first in the center of the banner’s length, it remains a reminder for the entire month of February that we cannot love without receiving His love first.

The remaining hearts are intended to be read one each day until February 14. However, all families are so busy, and I know how hard it is to gather all your kids each day, so do not quit if you can’t do them all as intended. You can read them the rest of the month because God’s Word will always remain eternal and applicable any day of the month or the year.

And my favorite encouragement for moms is this: Some is always better than none. Some Bible study beats none. Organizing some family devotions, though hard fought with complaining kids, will still be an investment of value. Remember, God sees. He will be pleased by your effort and work to teach your children about Him.

I hope you will order this resource and use it this year and every year as long as your kids are still home. It can become a meaningful annual tradition.

Order the How Do I Love Thee Heart Banner from our Etsy store. You’ll be glad you did. And after the kids leave home, the hearts and banner remain a beautiful decoration for the season, year after year.

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“Christianity is the only religion in the world where you are allowed to disagree with God.” Brother Andrew

One day recently, my dear husband proudly declared to a friend that I was writing a book on disappointment with God. With no time to elaborate or explain the concept, he simply laid it on the table.

Immediately, this friend responded with some strength of opinion that he had never been disappointed with God. In fact, he went on to say that it is an affront to the holiness and character of God to entertain or voice any disagreement or dissatisfaction with the Almighty. Case closed!

Hearing this sentiment initially surprised me, but as I thought about it, our friend’s response mirrors that of many Christians. At one point in my life, I would have voiced the same opinion.

In John 11, we find a puzzling story about Jesus. After hearing news that His friend Lazarus, brother of Mary and Martha, was sick, Jesus chose to remain where He was. His delay in going to help confused His disciples and troubled the sisters. And then Lazarus died.

When Jesus finally came, Martha confronted Him and said, “Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died.” Soon after, Mary said the same.

Did their blunt words of accusation insult Jesus? Apparently not. Jesus did not rebuke or correct them for their brutal honesty.

It’s a detail not to rush past. If voicing disappointment insults the holiness of God, Jesus would have corrected the two sisters.

Years of repeated sufferings have taught me and influenced me on this topic of transparency with God. As I’ve immersed myself in the Psalms in recent years, I have become fluent in the authors’ raw and utterly bold speech before God. I’ve seen God’s tolerance far exceeds ours for absorbing what we perceive as criticism.

I once imagined God to be so holy that He couldn’t be approached with words other than high church language. The truth is God doesn’t need me to protect Him; He is not fragile. He needs nothing from me.

The psalms invite all readers to risk taking our many and often daily complaints to God. These writers teach us that speaking our hearts to the King does not insult Him. Going to God, entering His always-with-you presence, and speaking to Him truthfully says, “I still believe.”

Following the path of the psalmists, I have risked a new rawness. Instead of God leaving me, our innate human fear, I believed His promise that He would never leave me and have found to my joy that He has drawn closer to me.

James told us this when he wrote, “Draw near to God, and he will draw near to you” (James 4:8). Coming to God as my Father, as my real perfect and loving abba, means being authentic. He desires this from us. Fake or scripted prayers or worship don’t please Him any more than pretending does in important human relationships.

Expressing disappointment and other emotions, I believe, actually pleases God rather than offending Him. Psalm 55, written by the man after God’s own heart, David, perfectly illustrates this transparent relationship:

“... hide not yourself from my plea for mercy …”

“I am restless in my complaint …”

“Evening and morning and at noon I utter my complaint and moan ...”

Using words that don’t feel praise-music worthy, David described anguish, terror, fear, trembling, and horror in his psalms and prayers.

In the middle of all his lamenting, David pens one of my favorite lines, “Oh, that I had the wings of a dove! I would fly away and be at rest …” (Psalm 55:6). I can’t add up the number of times I have felt and quoted that verse. Escape has often been the cry of my heart. How wonderful that David knew and wrote this to God Almighty! And now those words belong to me as well!

To unlock authentic transparency with God, one must use a single key: trust. Model your prayers or journal writing after the 150 psalms which, except for one, all begin and end in praise, thanksgiving, and gratitude. Each is an expression of trust.

David closes Psalm 55 with these words, “But I will trust in you” (verse 23). Choosing trust also mirrors the Savior’s relationship with His Father. Jesus taught us to pray, “Thy will be done in earth, on earth as it is in heaven,” and His prayer ends with praise, “For thine is the kingdom, and the power, and the glory, forever” (Matthew 6:10,13, KJV).

God can handle our disappointments, our moaning, even our blaming, if we end our verbal vomit with a heartfelt surrender to His authority, His purposed plans, and His sovereign rule over all. We cannot say, “Thank you” in all honesty while holding on to our anger or rage, our hurt or pain, our disappointment or dissatisfaction. Authentic, God-created emotions don’t have to disappear for us to choose humility and surrender to God.

Joni Earekson Tada, a friend I admire immensely, wrote in her book Songs of Suffering, “… when we choose contentment over complaining, we imitate Jesus’ glad willingness to submit to the Father’s terrible yet wonderful will.”

The psalms teach us to bow, surrender, submit, and trust God no matter what.

While He delays, while you wait, will you embrace David’s kind of prayers as your own?

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A note from Barbara: This month, my husband Dennis and I are releasing a three-part video series on “Loving Your Adult Children.” I’ve heard from friends like you that issues with adult children are an ongoing challenge. It’s the same for us! But we are learning and have put together ideas and thoughts about how to navigate this season of life. You can see the videos on my Substack channel or on the YouTube channel Dennis started, Inspiring Courageous Faith. Dennis has written a lot on this topic and I thought I’d share a couple of his articles with you. This is the second of a two-part series. Hope you enjoy it!

When we married back in 1972, Barbara and I thought we knew what love was. But we learned that marriage enrolled us in the undergraduate school of love. Then children came, and we got our master’s degree … and now our adult children are being used by God as we work our way to a doctorate! But we have not graduated from this school … new courses of study abound!

In my last blog post, I began my list of tips for communicating love to your adult kids. This week I’m finishing the list:

5. Loving liberally embraces forgiveness. We’ve found that for any family relationship to last, we need to:

· Understand that forgiveness is giving up the right to punish another person.

· Ask for forgiveness when we’ve offended another person.

· Grant forgiveness no matter what they’ve done.

It’s easy to start well in a new relationship with a new son-in-law or daughter-in-law, but it’s far more difficult to finish well. Don’t give in to disappointment or your own failures along the way.

There are two verses which should be the life source for establishing and maintaining a relationship with your kids and their spouses:

1 Peter 4:8 says, “Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins.” I really like this passage. Our children need this kind of love from us.

And, like them, we need this love and forgiveness from them.

Ephesians 4:32 is a kissing cousin of 1 Peter 4:8. It says, “Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.” Relationships with adult children are messy. Without forgiveness, those relationships die.

By the way, if you want to find a place in the Bible to study for your doctorate in loving and forgiving your adult child and their spouse, I suggest studying, memorizing, and applying 1 Corinthians 13:4-7.

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6. Take advantage of FamilyLife events to build your relationships. Barbara and I are no longer in charge of FamilyLife, but they have two major events every year that are among the best ways we’ve found to connect with our kids. So here’s the assignment: Initiate and pursue a relationship with your adult children by going with them to a Weekend to Remember marriage getaway or to a Love Like You Mean It cruise.

The cruise, which takes place each year during Valentine’s week, is a floating marriage and family equipping center with over 80 hours of great biblical content. We’ve found that we really can connect with our children when we can string seven days in a row where they aren’t distracted by their own kids.

Or attend a Weekend to Remember marriage getaway together with your adult kids. One suggestion: When romance and sex are discussed on Saturday afternoon, please give them space and don’t sit together! Consider spending an extra day debriefing with what you learned with your kids after the conference is over.

And if you can afford it, consider paying their way to be able to attend events like this. You won’t regret it. And if you go, it’ll be good for you too!

7. Engage your adult children by knowing who their best friends are. Learn their names and why they are friends with your adult children and their spouses.

8. Speak well of your adult children to their face and to others behind their backs. Your children may be experiencing the learning curve of how to be married. Everyone seems to start out secure and confident, but then they start having children. Insecurity in the new roles of mom and dad can rock their world.

Listen carefully: Your children never outgrow their need of your approval and your affirming words, of your cheerleading as they tackle the challenges of doing marriage and raising a bunch of children in a culture that punishes those who have biblical convictions. Brag often and out loud about how you see a child shouldering the challenges of life, work, and raising children, and most importantly how they are pursuing God.

Resign as coach—they’ll ask when they need your advice—and sign up to be their cheerleader. Tell them frequently how proud you are of them, and their spouses.

9. Love finds a way to pray for your children and grandchildren. Your children need your prayers. They need to know that you pray for them.

Find a way to pray for them and your grandchildren daily, weekly, or even monthly. I was always encouraged when my mom told me she prayed for me. No child ever outgrows the need for a parent’s prayers.

Some bonus tips from our kids and their spouses:

Surprise your adult kids by offering to babysit their kids for a getaway … without being asked! We were babysitters for seven grandsons so our daughter and hubby could attend the Love Like You Mean It cruise. Talk about an education…we got one! And the parents had a new honeymoon!!

Be intentional and engaged with “grafted in” children (your sons-in-law and daughters-in-law). Not just in the beginning but off and on as your lives change and grow.

Know what is going on below the surface. Emotionally, vocationally … and, most important, spiritually.

I am reminded of the process of life and what the British author Dr. John Stott wrote:

Life is a pilgrimage of learning,
A voyage of discovery,
In which our mistaken views are corrected,
Our distorted notions adjusted,
Our shallow opinions deepened,
And some of our vast ignorance’s diminished.

Being the parents of adult children means we embrace the past, no matter how many mistakes we’ve made, and we keep following Christ, demonstrating maturity, grace, and love.

And don’t give up! As one of my favorite verses says, “And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up. So then, as we have opportunity, let us do good to everyone, and especially to those who are of the household of faith” (Galatians 6:9-10).

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A note from Barbara: This month, my husband Dennis and I are releasing a three-part video series on “Loving Your Adult Children.” I’ve heard from friends like you that issues with adult children are an ongoing challenge. It’s the same for us! But we are learning and have put together ideas and thoughts about how to navigate this season of life. You can see the videos on my Substack channel or on the YouTube channel Dennis started, Inspiring Courageous Faith. Dennis has written a lot on this topic, and I thought I’d share a couple of his articles with you. This is the first of a two-part series. Hope you enjoy it!

Of course we love our adult children, but do we show that love in ways that communicate love to them?

And if you don’t know what communicates love to them, why don’t you ask them? Have you ever asked your adult children, “What are two or three things that we can do to communicate love to you?”

I did ask this question to our children and their spouses, and their responses began this list of ways to communicate love to your adult children. This week I’m sharing the first four tips, and next week I’ll share tips five through nine.

1. Spend time with them. Not surprisingly, all our kids mentioned this. With our children living in other cities (four in other states), this has been a real challenge. At times, we’ve felt like losers because we haven’t visited or called as often as they’d like.

I once had a very busy executive—as in the Governor of Arkansas and the only man who beat President Bill Clinton in a statewide election—tell me, “Dennis, to say you don’t have time is not a statement of fact, but a statement of values.”

Ouch!

But we also had some hard lessons to learn about how time with our kids is measured in more than hours or days. It means presence … which means being all there when you’re with them. Repeat after me, “When I go visit, I must seek to be all there!”

For me, the basic problem was bringing too much work with me when we visited our kids. Over the past two decades, we’ve had more than a few hard conversations with our kids about their expectations when we come to visit. I admit being frustrated because there were times when I really did have work that had to be done.

But there’s something about having the same conversation with several of our children that finally got through to me, and I finally repented! After a lot of discussion, we curtailed 90-95 percent of the work.

It means leaving my phone in my pocket, not making calls, and not sneaking peeks at emails and texts. And when I do need to work, I usually try to do it either early in the morning or late at night. Sometimes it helps to be honest and just say, “I have a crisis that only I can address. I’m sorry, but I need to spend some time today on this.”

And one more application: Time with your children may mean no time with friends who may live nearby. This is especially difficult.

2. Create a safe relationship. Inscribed on Barbara’s wedding ring is 1 John 4:18, which says, “There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear.” It’s a fundamental value of our marriage and a non-negotiable for relationships with our adult children.

Your kids and their spouses may feel you judge them. They may be intimidated by you, by your accomplishments, by your family’s reputation, by your perfect Christmas cards, by your status in the community, by your unrealistic expectations. The bottom line is that they may think they don’t meet your expectations and will never match up.

Let your kids and their spouses know, repeatedly, that your family isn’t perfect. Share your struggles with them. Let them know how God has redeemed you, your marriage, and your family.

Your family and ours, every family, is a MESS in some way. It’s broken, so stop pretending that it’s perfect … and welcome your children’s spouses to your family. Divine love welcomes broken people to the family and to “safe” relationships. Say to them, “You can be real here. We will not reject you!”

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3. Spend time with their children (your grandkids). Our adult children and their families almost universally endorsed this one. Focusing on their children … playing with them on the floor in the living room, taking them on a walk in the neighborhood, ice cream dates, and reading to their children … will score relational points!

Our kids beam when Barbara curls up on the couch with grandchildren in her lap reading a great book by C.S. Lewis or George MacDonald. Or when I tell a bedtime “Speck People” story to their children. These stories—made up out of thin air, contrasting wise choices with foolish ones—are about incredibly tiny heroes and heroines who are the size of a speck of dirt.

Speck People stories involve great adventures and cliffhanging crisis after crisis. They always end with, “and you’ll have to wait until tomorrow night to hear the rest of the story!” Moans from the grandkids follow … and then I’m on the hook for a story the next night!

Relationships are spelled T-I-M-E. Our children are watching where we invest our time.

4. Make plans to make special memories with their children. One of the best things we’ve done was taking the grandchildren to the Creation Museum near Cincinnati for a three-day “worldview adventure.” These trips have been a great time for deepening relationships.

The first time we took six kids between the ages of 8-15 … no parental units allowed! It was a blast traveling to Cincy in a van with the kids and giving them all kinds of assignments to prepare them for understanding how our origins are absolutely essential for developing a biblical worldview. We even had dinner with Dr. Ken Ham, the founder of the museum, at his favorite Asian restaurant.

Three years later, we returned with 14 grandkids and 6 parents who said they wanted to go. This time, we also visited the nearby Ark Encounter. It was a hoot to see a life-sized replica of the ark during the day, followed by Mimi and Papa’s debrief at night … with all 22 of us crowded into a small hotel room to discuss what the ark represented.

Next up: The Museum of the Bible in Washington, D.C. We may have to take out a small loan for this one!

Lesson learned: When you love on your children’s kids in meaningful ways (and perhaps pay for it!) your adult children feel that love as well.

Next week: Be sure to watch for part two of “9 Tips for Communicating Love to Your Adult Children.”

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The most meaningful gifts reveal profound knowledge: The giver knows the recipient well.

To be known … deeply, lavishly and individually … and then to be loved anyway, in spite of our flaws and weaknesses, is the collective longing of humankind.

God knew that about us … and so, on the first Christmas morning, God gave us the gift of His presence.

Our Maker-Creator knows each one of us intimately—every cell, every intention, every thought, every word, every emotion, every experience. Out of that perfect and complete foreknowledge He gave us the best … gift … ever,

Jesus,
Immanuel,
God with us.

Oh, how we’ve misused and abused, neglected and rejected this Gift. We know we are guilty.

But when we see the wonder of His with-ness … we want Him!

If you have received Him as the free gift of God, He is with you every day, in every place, in every circumstance, in every emotion, in every relationship. Nothing is beyond the reach of His presence.

St. Patrick penned a good summation of this truly awesome reality with these words:

“Christ with me,
Christ before me,
Christ behind me,
Christ in me,
Christ beneath me,
Christ above me,
Christ on my right,
Christ on my left,
Christ when I lie down,
Christ when I sit down,
Christ when I arise,
Christ in the heart of every man who thinks of me,
Christ in the mouth of everyone who speaks of me,
Christ in every eye that sees me,
Christ in every ear that hears me.”

And King David says it this way in Psalm 139:7-11:

Where shall I go from your Spirit?
Or where shall I flee from your presence?
If I ascend to heaven, you are there!
If I make my bed in Sheol, you are there!
If I take the wings of the morning and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea,
Even there your hand shall lead me,
And your right hand shall hold me.
(Psalm 139:7-11)

God is within us, His Spirit residing inside us, dwelling in our being! That is the unspeakable wonder of God’s John 3:16 gift!

But wonders never cease …

We are made in His image, which means our presence matters too, more than we ever could possibly imagine.

God said it is not good for man to be alone. The word “man” has a double meaning which includes all mankind, meaning it’s not good for any human—man, woman or child—to be alone. Isolation is the opposite of with.

Isolation is the sharpest tool of pain the enemy uses. If satan can convince us we are not loved, not wanted, not needed, he can convince us of any evil. And he has been doing that for centuries.

Christmas came with the gift of Jesus. We who are called by His name are to become like Him, so… this Christmas give your family the present of presence. Don’t let anyone in your home or near you become isolated!

Give your presence to be with one another. Your children and spouse and others need you, and you need them.

When our son came home with his four kids to visit us during their fall break, he ruled all screens off limits for the entire visit. The result was twofold. First, the two teens thought their dad was the meanest dad ever! But second was that all four engaged with us in conversations. They organized shooting basketball competitions. They teased one another and their Papa, laughed during meals, and, yes, irritated one another too. But it was real family life, real relationships.

Divorcing the kids from their devices created memories they will remember. Isn’t that what you want for all your effort to create a meaningful Christmas this year?

Be brave, courageous and be present with your family for the next week without looking at screens ... except to take photos of your family having fun together!

This year, with our 50th anniversary approaching, we decided to write down the story of how God brought us together. As we reminisced about those days, we remembered His unmistakable leading. And that conviction gave us a solid footing as we began our marriage. We’ve always known that God put us together, and therefore we’ve always known that we needed to depend on Him to make our marriage work. We put that story, along with the entire list of “50 Lessons From 50 Years of Marriage,” into a book for our children and grandchildren. Our hope in the years ahead is that they’ll pull out this book from time to time and learn not only about their Mimi and Papa, but also about the God of the universe. As we wrote at the end of that book:

Our hope is that the story of how we met and the lessons we’ve learned during our marriage will dust your souls and hearts with itching powder so you’ll be curious enough to investigate the work and person, Jesus. He is a treasure beyond all other values worth searching for. We hope too that you will keep this little book wherever you go so that our lessons might guide you in the many years that lie before you.

In this final post of our series taken from our list of lessons, we focus on some things we’ve learned about committing our relationship to God:

Lesson #5: Our greatest Christmas present was giving our lives and marriage to Jesus Christ.

For our first Christmas together in December of 1972, we decided to give gifts to God before we gave any to each other. Financially we had very little, and we’d only been married four months. But we wanted to honor Him on this holy day by giving Him our lives, our dreams, and our hopes for the future.

We both took a piece of notebook paper and listed those things we value and our dreams for the future. We signed and dated them, then folded the papers and put them in an envelope labeled “Title Deed to Our Lives.” We prayed a prayer of surrender and put them with our other important papers—our marriage license, birth certificates, and mortgage papers.

We didn’t look at them for almost 20 years. But God knew what they said and He knew our hearts. And in His great kindness and goodness He’s given us far more than we could have imagined. It wasn’t about manipulating God for good things; He doesn’t operate that way. It’s about personally surrendering to Jesus Christ, His will, and His plan. Nothing else. Those two papers represented our surrender to Jesus and our desire to lead lives that honored Him.

Today we look at those two pages dated December 19, 1972 and we marvel at what God has given: children and grandchildren … kindred spirit friends locally and around the world … and a lifetime of seeing God use us to make a difference for Christ in ways we couldn’t imagine. We are reminded of the words of Ephesians 3:20-21: “Now to Him who is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think …to Him be glory … forever and ever” (NKJV).

Lesson #24: We protect our marriage when we keep teachable hearts.

Early in our marriage and to this day we have highly valued the need for both of us to guard our hearts and remain teachable. We had a genuine fear we might suffer not from hardening of the arteries, but from a hardening of our hearts.

A hard heart is one that resists correction. Won’t admit fault. Won’t humbly ask for or grant forgiveness. A teachable heart is a spiritually receptive heart. It contains the fertile soil of humility that nourishes all growth.

Being two teachable people gave us the hope of something better after we hurt one another. In retrospect it gave life and vibrancy to our marriage. Proverbs 4:23 says it this way: “Keep your heart with all vigilance, for from it flow the springs of life.” In fact, the Bible is filled with references to the heart, starting with the Great Commandment which tells us to love God with all our heart and to love our neighbors as ourselves (Matthew 22:36-38).

Most adults fear and therefore do what’s necessary to prevent a heart attack. Why? Because if the heart dies, the person dies. So too our marriage would have begun to die the moment one of us refused to be teachable and open to change.

Guard your heart, lest it become hardened or not teachable.

Lesson #36: As ambassadors for Christ we made our home an embassy of the King of kings.

Hospitality is a practice that is very familiar to most everyone, but seeing our home as an embassy? One day I (Barbara) saw the verse, “Therefore, we are ambassadors for Christ” (2 Corinthians 5:20) and applied it to our home. I knew God commissioned us to be His ambassadors on earth, His representatives. But I’d never taken the understanding to my own home.

Ambassadors represent their home country in a foreign land, and so we as ambassadors for Christ are to do the same in this world which is also not our real home. Embassies in other countries feel like their home countries: framed images of national heroes hang on the walls, furnishings and food look and taste like home and the flag soars proudly over the building. The actual soil on which the building sits belongs to the homeland. It is a refuge for other citizens and those seeking to emigrate.

Knowing this about embassies led us to work on making our home His. We invited God to enter and bless our home for His purposes. I began to think about how to make our spaces and rooms pleasing to Him. Another goal was to make our embassy comfortable, welcoming and inviting to others and refreshing for our family as we all came home from being in the world.

We like thinking of our home as an embassy of the King!

Have you ever thought of your home as an embassy? I’m writing a series of blog posts for this fall expanding this idea because of how helpful it was for me. There are lots of practical applications for all of us in this idea.

I pray your heart belongs first to Jesus and that you keep your heart teachable and surrendered to King Jesus whose ambassador you are if you know Him as Savior!

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We’ve been married over 53 years now, and you might think we’re now in cruise control with our marriage. If so, you are mistaken! We’re still learning … often from our errors … and still growing in our relationship with God and with each other.

Three years ago we created a book, Our Story, for our six children and their spouses and our 27 grandchildren. The book tells about our backgrounds, how we came to faith in Christ, how we met in college, our dating, engagement and marriage. The second half of Our Story contains 50 lessons from 50 years of marriage. We just reprinted this book and we have a small quantity to offer to you our friends. This limited print run is available for a donation to Ever Thine Home. To find out more click here!

Here are a few lessons we’ve learned during what we call “Prime Time”—the years after our kids left home.

Lesson #33: Understanding my wife is not a “one and done.”

The mystery of every woman is she continues to change through the years. He who made woman made her to be complex with multiple facets like a brilliant diamond. Hence the command from God to husbands to “live with your wives in an understanding way…” (1 Peter 3:7).

I (Dennis) have watched Barbara grow, develop, and change over the years, blossoming in many ways. She is not the same woman she was when we married. But she has also experienced a long list of challenges and hardships that have drained her even as they have, in the long run, deepened her. In those seasons of hardship, she needed a different kind and level of understanding than in our early, care-free years.

As I am called to be like Christ in our marriage, I’m called to seek to know and understand Barbara as He does … her relationships, aspirations, disappointments, and what nourishes her soul. That’s an impossible task, but with the Holy Spirit helping and guiding I can continue to grow in understanding. In some cases, I’ve even looked back over situations over the last 20 years and have understood more fully how Barbara had been hurt and overlooked in the crush of family and ministry needs.

As I pursue Barbara in love and seek to know her, I find myself living with her in an understanding way—thinking of her, of her well being … instead of thinking about myself.

Lesson #41: Losses are a part of life and multiply with age.

Over the course of our marriage we’ve experienced many losses together. Not just the loss of parents, family, and friends through death, estrangement or moves. But we have friends who have lost jobs, economic stability, or their health. Others have watched their houses burn to the ground, have been robbed, had their identity stolen, had their innocence taken by force or have lost mobility and independence.

The longer we live, the greater the accumulation of losses.

Losses have tested our faith and our bond in marriage, too. Losses prove the endurance of every marriage promise. A book that has helped us both immensely in dealing with losses of every kind is A Grace Disguised by our friend Dr. Jerry Sittser. It’s a compelling story of how one man dealt with the loss of his wife, mother and daughter in a car wreck. Buy it. You’ll need it someday. It’s one of our top 10 books we’ve read in our lifetimes.

Lesson #42. We aren’t focused on leaving a legacy, but on living our legacy.

The word “legacy” isn’t found anywhere in the Scriptures, but the concept is woven through the fabric of the Bible from Genesis through Revelation. Our legacy isn’t what we leave. It’s the memory of how we have lived.

Our mentor, Dr. Howard Hendricks said, “My fear is not that you will fail, but that you will succeed in doing the wrong things.”

We’ve concluded that our legacy is the sum total of all the decisions we make in our lifetimes. It’s determined by our worldview, which is seen in our choices. A legacy is the example of our lives. A model of our love for God and others, His Word, and His work for future generations and a time we will not see. We hope and pray our children and grandchildren will remember and want to imitate our faith and obedience to Christ.

Dietrich Bonhoeffer, the Christian martyr said with “20-20” insight, “It is the righteous man who lives for the next generation.”

Once upon a time we thought we would arrive at a place that was smoother sailing in marriage but we’ve learned that was fairy tale thinking. We are both learning to understand one another in new ways in this prime-time season as we face more losses than in our early years. And we are more focused than ever on passing on a faith-example to our grandkids that we hope they will want to continue in their lives. Living a legacy is indeed very different than leaving one.

May these thoughts challenge yours as you too live for the King!

Love this snippet from the Rainey’s new book, Our Story? Get your copy here!

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Do you sometimes feel like your world is disordered and confused? Your circumstances are heavy. They don’t line up with your plans. And we live in a world that feels unsettled. It’s easy to start wondering, “Where is God?” in the midst of this daily chaos.

As Thanksgiving approaches, it’s good to remember that focusing on gratitude is exactly what we need when life is difficult, complicated, and feels out of control. Whenever I pray and talk to God about difficult circumstances, I hear His Spirit remind me to give thanks.

He has reminded me to thank Him for difficult people and the difficult situations; that simple act helps me remember He already knows. I’m acknowledging He isn’t surprised. I’m thanking Him that He has a plan I can’t see clearly just yet. And most of all I’m reminding myself that He is working in hundreds, even thousands, of ways I can’t see or may never know because of His providence.

Providence has been described as “the evidence that God has not left this planet alone in the vast universe or forgotten for a moment the human situation. God visits, touches, communicates, controls, and intervenes, coming before and between man and his needs. Providence is the ground for thankfulness” (from Baker Encyclopedia of the Bible, Vol. 2).

Believing that God is providentially working in my life and your life, in my circumstances and yours, is a choice we make. Will you give thanks today for what God has allowed in your life? He does command us to “give thanks in all circumstances,” even things that may not make sense now. He has a plan for your life. Will you choose to believe that He is at work?

Here are two ways to help you and your family focus on and practice being a grateful people this Thanksgiving.

First, grow thankfulness by meditating on what God has done. Read Scriptures like Psalm 118:21, 118:28, and 138:2. Think about how God has worked in your life (make a list) and thank Him.

Second, grow thankfulness by learning about faith heroes who have gone before us who modeled gratitude well. One of my favorite Thanksgiving stories is about William Bradford, who clung to the idea of providence in the midst of difficult days and unwanted circumstances. If you have children at home, I suggest you read this story out loud together with them, perhaps in the morning as they are packing lunches, at dinner, or at bedtime. Our kids need faith heroes and Governor Bradford is a good one for any child of any age. Even the child in us adults.

When William Bradford was just a boy he suffered great loss, more than any child should have to bear. When he was 16 months old, his father died; he never knew the man for whom he was named. At the age of four, after his mother remarried and for reasons unknown, young William was sent to live with his grandfather. Two years later, his grandfather died and he returned to live with his mother and stepfather. The greatest loss of his young life occurred a year later when his mother also died.

The Bible tells us that God “will neither slumber nor sleep” (Psalm 121:4), so we must believe that He was fully aware of all that was going on in young William’s life. What was God doing? Why did He allow such pain to fall on one so young and alone?

After being moved to his fourth home in seven years, William found himself living with two uncles in another village in England. They were delighted to have him as another worker for their farm. However, William’s trials were not over. He soon became sick and did not recover quickly.

In his long illness, we finally see a glimmer of hope that God was indeed in control. Because William was unable to do manual labor, he was allowed to learn to read and write—skills that very few commoners were able to acquire in the 1600s. William likely received his education from a local minister. Though his sickness left him frail and weak, by the age of 12 he had read many books from the pastor’s library, which of course included the Bible and books such as Foxe’s Book of Martyrs.

Ephesians 1:11 says that those of us who know Jesus have been “predestined according to the purpose of him who works all things according to the counsel of His will.” God’s providence—that He was providing William’s training and preparing him for future use—is clear to us now, though it was not so obvious at the time to him or anyone else.

William’s Bible reading drew him to God but also left him with questions. As a teenager, he was invited by a friend to attend another church in a nearby town. It was, however, a church that was viewed as opposing the Queen of England and so was somewhat risky to attend. There had been arrests of some who went to this church, which believed in teaching the true Word of God as man’s authority. In spite of his uncles’ strong objections, William chose to walk many miles each Sunday to attend this church. There he met Mr. Brewster, who mentored him in the faith and became like a father to him. Years later in 1620, Mr. Brewster joined William Bradford on the journey to the new world aboard the Mayflower.

God allowed William Bradford to endure a life of trial because in His providence God was preparing him for his future calling. That calling included leading the colonists of Plymouth as they journeyed over the Atlantic to the new world and then serving as their governor for over 30 years.

Jeremiah 29:11 reads, “For I know the plans that I have for you.” God wanted William to learn to read and write, to learn to think and pray, so he could follow in the path God had prepared beforehand.

Do you believe God has plans for you that are no less significant than His plans for William Bradford? You might want to talk about this with your children or husband and then pray the prayer below, taken from the book, The Valley of Vision. It is similar to one William and the Puritans who sailed on the Mayflower might have prayed. Some of the words sound different from those we use in our prayers today, but sometimes it is good to pray using words written by someone else.

A PURITAN PRAYER

Heavenly Father,
I believe Thee,
I accept Thy Word,
I submit to Thy will,
I rely on Thy promises,
I trust Thy providence.
Thy providence has set the bounds of my habitation,
and wisely administers all my affairs.
Help me to see Your providence in all that concerns me
And may I ever give You thanks.
Amen.

As you think on gratitude this week, begin every day by whispering this prayer. Then pray and ask to God help keep your faith in His all-knowing providence through every detail of your week.

We look forward to growing in gratitude together this month. May God be pleased to see all of us more desirous of giving thanks in all things, every day!

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Like all new parents, Dennis and I welcomed our first four bio babies with joy and great anticipation for what God had planned. It was no different with our adopted daughter. We had equally lofty hopes and dreams for life with her.

Our story, like most adoptions, was marked by the unmistakable hand of God. An unexpected visit, a casual conversation (or so it seemed to us), a phone call, a hymn on the radio ... all signs of His guiding, preparing, orchestrating and confirming this His will for our lives as a family.

In those early years I learned that God has been adopting those who come to Him by faith for millennia (Ephesians 1:5)! A beautiful truth. And His heart for orphans is clearly seen in the Scriptures: “the Lord upholds the widow and the fatherless” (Psalm 146:9); and Jesus said, “I will not leave you as orphans, I will come to you” (John 14:18).

But adoption is not His plan only for little ones needing a forever family, but it’s also His plan for we the parents, any siblings, and the extended family of these grafted-in children.

Here are three more lessons I learned from the hand of God through the experience of being Deborah’s mom. If you missed the first three, click here.

4. There is always hope as long as there is breath.

Every parent wishes and longs for formulas, guarantees, and the best skills to try with our kids. Often we look to human experts for our hope instead of God. There’s no question He uses books and podcasts and His people to give guidance. But what we as broken people do, often without realizing it, is place our hope in those people, books, and tips. It’s the nature of our hearts to wander, to find something more concrete than a God we can’t see or touch.

Like every parent before me I too looked to ‘experts,’ even other parents, to solve my parenting challenges, thinking if I can find the right therapy or parenting style I can solve this. Again, there’s nothing wrong with learning. It is crucial. Parents must work and pray hard … never give up … always believe the best … and give our kids everything we can. But we are broken, flawed humans in need of God’s grace and redemptive help. Only He can work the heart change He and I desire.

One of the best resources available for adoptive and foster families today is the Christian Alliance for Orphans. Dennis and I helped found this organization in 2003 and I’ve been a board member for years. I hope you’ll check it out, but remember no one resource is guaranteed; none are the final answer. There is no magic wand for parents of adoptive kids, foster kids or biological kids. Parenting is not a science, it’s an art!

God has taught me my hope must be in Him alone. As we worked hard and prayed faithfully for our daughter, my hope was that our efforts would result in all her learning the important lessons by the time she was 18. Then I changed my prayer to age 20, then 21. Sometime in her early 20s I surrendered my hopes and desires to God and His timing.

I said to Him one day, “God, You are in control and I am not. I will trust you with my daughter’s life and if it takes till she is 40 or longer for her to come to You and fully surrender to You, I will trust. I will not waver in my belief in You and Your plan. Lord God, You know what you are doing.” As long as my child—your child of any age—breathes, there is hope. Your child is not yours, but His.

5. Women are quick to believe and also quick to be deceived.

A tiny little nugget of theology for you: The word “believe” means a conviction of truth, a belief in God and divine things. We see this in the women who went to the tomb on Easter morning and were quick to believe Christ had risen. The men didn’t believe and were reproved by the Savior while the women received His approval. Eve was also quick to believe, but her belief in the words of satan, spoken by the serpent, resulted in deception.

This little truth about us as women has helped me pay closer attention to what I’m believing. Having watched both the adoption world and parenting techniques for decades I have learned we who belong to Christ can often be the most gullible. No therapy, essential oil, vitamin regimen, or learning style works for all.

My lesson that I share with you is be careful what you place your faith in. Again, be careful what you believe and where you place your hope. Listen to the leading of the Spirit and be united with your spouse in decision-making.

6. God has plans and purposes that are beyond your imagining.

He loves your children more than you do and is fully capable of rescuing and redeeming them without your help. In fact, sometimes we hinder His working when we become hovering parents.

The wonders we have watched Him weave into our adopted daughter’s life have left us astonished. We have seen her faith mature into a wisdom beyond her years. She has resolutely believed God when I would have thought it impossible. Had I the power to orchestrate and run her life the outcome would not have been as beautiful as what God has done!

God is fully capable of executing His will without my help! He used us as parents for that is His design, but His working in her was not dependent on us.

Like Job, I have learned that I don’t have to understand what God is doing. “The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away” (Job 1:21). He asks me to worship Him no matter what I experience and endure.

My duty in all seasons of life is to bow before Him and surrender. “I appeal to you therefore ... to present yourselves as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God ... Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind” (Romans 12:1-2).

My responsibility is to continue to believe He is good and in control. God’s job is to work all things together for good (Romans 8:28). He is fully capable. We must be willing to wait.

The most important work you can do for your children, adopted or biological, your foster kids, or your adoption work is to be surrendered to Christ fully, daily, in every situation and circumstance. Over and over and over.

When you are surrendered to His plans and His work, you will find rest for your souls.

And you will find, as I have, that God is enough!

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Stepping into the hotel lobby, I took a deep breath and exhaled. After traveling all day I was more than ready to be done with crowds of strangers and with airline demands. Happily I stood with the luggage a few steps from the front desk while Dennis checked us into our hotel.

Moments later, with room keys in hand, Dennis extended his arm toward me with a pink slip of paper. Glancing at it I read, “Call Dr. Smythe immediately.” We didn’t know a Dr. Smythe, but we did know a Dr. Smith who was my ob-gyn doc.

Instantly I knew this had nothing to do with our four kids left at home for the weekend with friends or with my own health, for that matter. It had to mean he knew about a baby. My heart rate increased and suddenly I wasn’t fatigued anymore. Could this message mean a baby was available for adoption?

We called as soon as we got to our room and heard our friend explain that a teenaged girl was in labor, the baby would be relinquished for adoption, and all had agreed this baby was for us. That phone call was the first of many unexpected surprises and wonders God was orchestrating for us.

I thought of nothing else all weekend. My prayers were for this soon-to-be-bereaved young woman, for confirmation of God’s leading, and for God to give us a name fast! When we arrived home a few days later we were now the proud parents of five.

When we brought our newborn baby girl home the next day we had no idea what God had in mind for us … all of us. We only knew this was clearly and unmistakably His plan for her and our family. Over the 40+ years of her life I have learned more about the heart and character of God than I could have any other way and I am and will be forever grateful for His beautiful, all-things-for-good idea of adoption.

But adoption isn’t just about settling the “solitary,” the orphan, in a home (Psalm 68:6). Among His many purposes is His desire to reveal who He is as Father and Savior to all adoptive parents.

Here are three life-changing lessons God kindly taught me about Himself that all parents need to know and believe. (Three more lessons are coming next week.)

1. God will rarely if ever overrule the free will of man.

A young boy decided one evening he didn’t like sitting in his chair at the dinner table but preferred instead to stand. His parents reminded him of the rules, the consequences, and then of their willingness to force his compliance with a spanking. Slowly this small person slid down in his chair. Dad was especially pleased he had won the battle of the wills, nodded his approval of his son’s decision, and resumed eating. A minute later this small human broke the silence by announcing to his parents, “I may be sitting down on the outside but I’m standing up on the inside.”

This decades-old story will remain forever true because every human has been gifted a free will. Parents can only do so much, or maybe it’s so little, to control that free will.

Even the best parenting will not guarantee that children won’t rebel and push parents out of their lives. After all, God is the perfect parent and all His kids have rebelled.

My mistake with all our children, including our adopted daughter, was assuming that, if I played by God’s rules, He’d keep His promises to bless us, He’d control their sinful desires (aka free will), and He’d prevent them from making significant mistakes.

I knew we weren’t perfect parents but I did make assumptions about God that were presumptuous.

Starting in sixth grade our daughter began making some small decisions that were not in line with what we’d taught her. Several years later she was struggling with her identity, as most teens do, but hers was compounded by the unknowns of her adoption story.

By the end of high school she’d pushed us away. We responded over these years with increased communication, continued disciplines, increased prayer, fasting for a year, reading and researching solutions and helps, and dozens of other attempts to intercede in her life for her good. It seemed to us that nothing worked.

Today we can see in hindsight that much of what we did was effective, but not as we had hoped or expected at the time. We wanted dramatic, instant and permanent change we could measure. But God was at work with the whole of her life in mind. We saw only today.

I learned nothing I could have done would have overruled her free will because God will not overrule the free will of man. Only God could reach her heart and only He knew how to accomplish that miracle of His grace. Only He knew the timing of her life.

Why doesn’t God overrule the free will of our children to save them from heartache and pain?

2. God sees the L O N G view of life and desires that we choose Him of our free will.

Like most Christian parents we knew, we imagined the end result of parenting to be an 18-year-old who graduated from high school alive, safe and healthy. She would be ready for life in every way and, most of all, ready to follow Jesus’ plan for her life.

But our adopted daughter didn’t follow the traditional path. She chose a path that for a season wasn’t wise, and decided not to choose Jesus’ way (though today she is a wise, faithful follower of Christ).

I felt like I’d failed as a parent, as her mom. Those were terribly painful days for me. But God saw the future. He knew what was ahead. He taught me how to wait through the story of Moses who, according to Hebrews 11:24-25, “refused to be called the son of Pharoah’s daughter, choosing rather to be mistreated with the people of God than to enjoy the fleeting pleasures of sin.”

God was willing to wait on His child Moses’ decision to choose Him. He wants me to wait on His timing and plans for my children, too. He loves them more than I do and wants them to know Him more than I do. Sometimes we feel we need to keep helping our adult children to choose God’s way, but often times He can do more without our help!

3. My good work and my heart’s sincere desires are not enough to shape my child and guide her to follow God.

Every parent, but especially adoptive and foster parents, begins the journey fervently believing she can love enough, care enough and be enough for this child. Every one of us hopes and prays this child won’t just survive but thrive; and we pray desperately she will avoid the common traps traumatized children often face. We love our children so much we want to spare them as much pain and suffering as possible, but I have learned by watching my child make life-altering choices that we cannot.

God’s ways are higher than mine and far wiser too. Isaiah 55:8-9 tells us, “For My thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways My ways, declares the LORD. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways and My thoughts than your thoughts.” I learned a very important lesson: God wants me and my child to understand that He alone is enough. If I was enough for my child, she would never need God.

Parenting is a partnership with God. The challenge is remaining dependent on Him while working out all the tests and trials of being mom and dad without slipping into believing it all depends on us.

Next week in part two, I’ll talk about how to remain hopeful as a parent and share an interesting little truth I’ve learned about us women that impacts our parenting and all of our lives!

I’d love to hear from you if these lessons I learned encouraged you, especially if you are an adoptive parent.

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This is the second in a four-part series presenting some of the key lessons we’ve learned during 50+ years of marriage. This week we’re featuring some practical ways to build oneness in marriage—lessons we’ve often learned the hard way! And if you’re interested in seeing the entire list, be sure to get our book, Our Story.

After five decades together, we are still continually learning how to make our marriage work!

Lesson #9: We learned how to be accountable to one another—to confess our struggles, temptations, and sins to each other.

A verse that became important early in our marriage was James 5:16: “Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed.” We learned in year one that a healthy marriage is one where your spouse has access to the interior of your soul.

Dennis began hosting a weekly Bible study in our home. As the businessmen arrived before the study one of them always wanted to talk to me. After a few sessions I (Barbara) began to feel uncomfortable with and confused by his continual attention. I wondered if it was just my imagination; after all he was married with four kids.

My struggle was with transparency. Should I ignore this, deal with it alone, or share it with Dennis? I decided, fearfully, to share. I was greatly relieved that he believed me and didn’t ridicule me. He immediately moved the study to a restaurant. I felt validated and he felt grateful for my honesty and transparency. Our marriage grew deeper by that experience.

Over the years we became “accountability partners” for each other. I (Dennis) asked Barbara many times, “Will you pray for me? I’m struggling with betrayal, or lust, or envy, or comparison.”

We’ve found that our struggles and temptations are clarified as we bring them out in the open with the person who knows us best and loves us most. Forgiving a person or asking for forgiveness … experiencing temptations toward a coworker or neighbor … resisting bitterness toward someone who has hurt you deeply … are all better managed with the help of your spouse. When we risk transparency we can experience freedom, love, and greater oneness.

Lesson #14: Determine your core values as a couple.

In the second decade of our marriage, we went on a three-day retreat which, in hindsight, was one of the most significant weekends for our marriage and family. We took an hour alone to write down the top 10 values we each wanted to teach and nurture in our children. Values are intangible qualities like truthful, integrity, forgiveness and kindness … and also tangible activities like celebrating birthdays and holidays, serving the poor and homeless, or going to church every Sunday.

We looked together at our lists and talked about why we chose those values. We then collaborated and created a list of five core values that we both agreed upon. It was a challenge because each of us had to say no to some values we held dear. But over the remaining years of our parenting, our list of five values has called us away from adult peer pressure—what all the other parents were doing—to those things we agreed were most important for us and our family.

That project helped maintain our oneness as a couple when faced with decisions regarding our children’s activities and how we spent our time and money as a family. Our values—not comparison with other families—became our guidelines.

The 80's were fruitful years!

Lesson #17: Lavishly forgive one another.

Forgiveness owes its value to its scarcity. It’s the missing ingredient in far too many families and marriages that profess to follow Christ. Ruth Bell Graham, wife of evangelist Billy Graham, once said, “A happy marriage is the union of two good forgivers.”

One of our top five values in our marriage and with our children was practicing forgiveness daily. We forgave each other often and sometimes out loud with the kids listening. We taught our children to do the same. Our kids will tell you we repeated instructions on forgiveness probably more than any other lesson we worked to teach. We instructed them to name the mistake or sin and then to say the words, “Will you forgive me for that?”

We also taught the offended person to then say, “Yes I forgive you for __________.” Saying, “Sorry if I hurt you” was not allowed. Vagueness wasn’t either. Sin is serious to God. He sent Jesus to die for our sin so we treated it seriously in our home with our children.

We also taught our kids Ephesians 4:32, and sang these words: “Be kind to one another … forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.”

Forgiveness means giving up the right to punish the other person. If we don’t forgive bitterness can grow and bitterness creates isolation. They knew if they forgave they had to mean it and that retaliating was not allowed. Failing to forgive or ask for forgiveness kills oneness, unity, and life in marriage, family and all relationships.

It’s amazing to me how often we have to return to these lessons and relearn them! Repeat … repeat … repeat is the story of our lives, our marriage and yours too. These lessons have been learned but not mastered. And they won’t be on earth.

But God’s grace has become more precious over these 50 years as we’ve experienced His kindness in continually giving us repeated opportunities to confess, forgive and realign with His values. And though mastery isn’t possible, humility and eagerness to forgive quickly has grown with the years.

God is good. All the time.

May you too experience growth in humility and eagerness to forgive.

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In anticipation for our 50th anniversary in 2022, Dennis and I set out to create a book that included the story of how we got together as well as 50 lessons we’ve learned over 50 years of marriage. We intended this to be a gift for our grandchildren who might not know the story and who might not get a chance to know us. Then our staff team suggested we make copies to sell to you, our readers. Well, we sold out of those and have been asked numerous times over the last three years if we have any more copies. The answer is yes! We finally do.

We want to offer you some excerpts from the book and give you the first opportunity to purchase a copy of Our Story, which includes 50 lessons from 50 years of marriage. Our Story is available now for a donation of $50 or more to our ministry of Ever Thine Home. You can get your copy here.

Below are a few lessons from the book we selected to share with you. If you are encouraged by these, I hope you will donate and get a copy of Our Story.

Fifty years ago when I (Dennis) married Barbara Ann Peterson I was a rookie, repeatedly failing to appreciate the dignity of the gifted woman, friend, partner, lover, and confidante God had brought me. Honestly, I barely even knew her.

Looking back, we both realize we had no idea what we were doing. We thought we knew each other so well and were so alike, but we were clueless. But God in His grace and kindness guided us because we were both committed to doing marriage His way. He helped us, orchestrated circumstances, provided generously for us in all our many inadequacies.

Even in the seasons when we felt helpless and hopeless, He was present and working on our hearts. We just didn’t always see His hand. Hindsight is clearer.

Now, after over five decades of married life … after six children, 27 grandchildren and one great-grandchild … we’ve learned and relearned more than we can count. We hope this might encourage you in your life and marriage to keep on and never stop believing God, no matter what befalls you.

On our honeymoon near Steamboat Springs, CO

Lesson #1: The couple that prays together stays together.

In the first few months of our marriage, I (Dennis) asked a mentor this question: “You’ve been married 25 years. What’s the best piece of advice you can give me just starting my marriage?”

“Oh, that’s easy,” he replied. “Pray with your wife every day.”

I said, “That’s it? Pray with your wife?”

“That’s it.”

So I went home and Barbara and I started praying together. It worked really well for a couple of months … until the night we went to bed facing opposite walls. Although it wasn’t the most comfortable position physically, it expressed where we were spiritually and emotionally.

There seemed to be a tap on my shoulder that night and it wasn’t Barbara. God was speaking to me in my conscience saying, “Hey, Rainey! Aren’t you going to pray with her tonight?”

I said, “I don’t like her tonight!” God said, “Yes, but you made the commitment to pray every day with your wife.”

I faced a hard decision. Not praying would make me feel better but this was about more than satisfying myself. So I swallowed my pride, turned to Barbara, and said, “I’m sorry, will you forgive me?”

We’ve both gone to bed angry or hurt which led to late conversations until we resolved our impasse and then prayed. Sometimes we’ve agreed to table the discussion until the morning so we could pray and get some rest. Over 50 years we have learned we are two strong-willed, stubborn and at times rebellious people who continue to choose to surrender to God together every day in prayer.

This has saved and transformed our relationship. Inviting Him to keep changing our lives, our marriage, and our family has been a cornerstone of our 50 years of marriage.

Lesson #3: God’s pattern for marriage gave us security: leave, cleave, and receive.

Because we were serious about doing our marriage according to God’s patterns, we were intentional, sometimes to a fault in our youthful zeal, about three truths found in Genesis 2:24. That Scripture says: “Therefore, a man shall leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave (hold fast) to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.”

With these words, God led us to make our relationship a priority over all other relationships except ours with Him.

• Leave: We shifted our loyalties from our parents to one another. We chose not to depend on Mom or Dad for emotional or financial support, but only on one another.

• Cleave: This word implies togetherness, keeping our covenantal promises, choosing to “stick like glue.” We learned to prefer one another, to involve each other in every aspect of our lives which resulted in growth in our unity.

• Receive: “Becoming one flesh” is what happens when we leave and cleave. But becoming one is so much more than physical. This idea, oneness, became a central theme to our marriage. It is what happens when we both receive and yield to God’s will and purposes in our lives over a lifetime. Continuing to welcome your spouse into your life yields a beautiful outcome.

We have carefully guarded these three values God built into His marriage design even as we’ve made mistakes along the way. But as we return to Him and His patterns we’ve found increasing oneness and delight in our relationship.

At our first home in Boulder, CO

Lesson #4: Build your marriage from the same set of biblical blueprints.

What would our physical home look like if we had two different architects, two different sets of blueprints, and two different builders? We’d be living in a very strange and probably unsafe structure.

We learned the same would happen in our marriage if we weren’t building from the same plans. God’s plans. Building our marriage together from the same plans grows oneness. Loyalty to God’s ways over our own designs helps solve disputes over how to do our marriage.

As a result of sharing these biblical blueprints with others at Weekend to Remember marriage events for decades we learned to be more intentional in our own marriage. If you want to build from the same biblical blueprints for marriage, Barbara and I would encourage you to go to Weekend to Remember® marriage getaways. It’s the best marriage insurance you could ever buy. We promise. We spent most of our adult lives helping to create it!

I hope these three lessons have been good reminders or new ideas you might want to add to your marriage recipe! It’s a relationship that never surpasses the need to grow and be refreshed. Oh, that’s another lesson …

Till next week …

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