Ask Barbara: Where Is God When a Marriage Fails?

Dear Barbara: Where is God when our marriage fails? We tried everything. Is every marriage meant to be saved?

After I wrote a blog post about reconciling difficult marriages, I received a thoughtful comment from one of our readers:

“What about those of us who have tried everything, literally, to save our marriages and nothing changes? We lost it anyway. Where is God in all of this? The only conclusion after three years of trying to save my marriage by myself and with God is that not all marriages are meant to be saved and that we have to accept that. Nothing is greater than God, but apparently not all things work out, even if you’ve prayed about it and tried everything you could. What’s the next step for those of us who lost?”

This comment made me sad just reading it. Even those of us who do not know how she feels can still feel that sadness with her. Though it is far too common today, news of any divorce or estrangement stirs feelings of loss in our hearts and souls. Marriage is the bedrock of any society and its crumbling shakes us all.

Knowing from my own marriage how painful and lonely it can be to feel disconnected from your spouse, I empathize with her. Isolation, which leads to actual physical separation or emotional separation, is not the purpose of any marriage.

She makes the statement that “not all marriages are meant to be saved.” This is a difficult question to answer clearly and biblically.

On one hand I respectfully disagree and here’s why. From the Bible, I hear God’s heart for the salvation and resurrection of marriages when He says, “I hate divorce.” God does not hate the people of divorce, but the deep and life-altering results of divorce break His heart.

He knows better than we do how devastating and long lasting the consequences are in spouses, children, extended family, and even into our communities and throughout society. God created marriage, and He never desires its ending.

That being said, God has also made it clear that He allows for divorce. Jesus answered this question, “Why did Moses command … a certificate of divorce?” with this reply, “Because of your hardness of heart [meaning a spouse’s unbelief in God or their unwillingness to change or try] Moses allowed you to divorce … but from the beginning it was not so” (Matthew 19:8).

From the beginning of any marriage God’s desire is for it to last a lifetime. But He allows divorce for specific reasons, all of which find their source in a hard heart that refuses to change and trust in God and His Word.

Think of it like a prodigal child whose parents have pleaded over and over for years for this one they love to make healthy choices, but the child continues to refuse to listen. One day the parents finally relent and let the child, now an adult, live with his destructive decisions and their consequences. Still the parents hold out hope that, in time, this child they love will learn and change.

So are we with our God. Though He desires to save all marriages, He allows divorce for those whose spouse stubbornly refuses to repent. Even in this, God is always working to get our attention, to help us learn of His love and grace, His forgiveness and mercy. That never changes no matter what your marital status is.

Marriage is too often where we see the free will of man so clearly deciding to ignore God and make decisions favoring self. In this union of two, both must want the marriage to work. Both must invest energy, time, and endless grace. Even though one plus God is a majority, the third person, your spouse, must eventually choose the marriage and you over self for the marriage to be restored and flourish.

Even after divorce, there is always hope for reconciliation when both spouses remain single. I’ve watched and heard countless stories of marriage redemptions to not believe in hope. Even if a couple is divorced, as long as both are still unmarried, restoration of the marriage can happen.

Our good friends Scott and Sherry can attest to this. They had no idea how to do marriage. As a result, their relationship unraveled over the years until they decided they’d both had enough. They divorced.

Scott moved into an apartment. In his defeat, he made many poor choices, including abusing alcohol and living with another woman. Months later Sherry heard about FamilyLife’s Weekend to Remember marriage getaway. She decided she wanted to go, and convinced Scott to meet her there. After learning about God’s design for marriage that weekend, Scott and Sherry decided to try again. Now they tell couples, “As long as you’re breathing there’s hope.”

We must hold onto hope for our marriages to grow and thrive. My greatest desire is to inspire hope in God and His desire and ability to redeem. This hope though isn’t placed in each other, for we are fallen and cannot meet all our spouse’s needs. This hope must be placed in the God who created marriage, who showed us on the cross that He can conquer even death, and who delights in rescuing and restoring all things broken.

If you are still married and feel hopeless, don’t trust in your feelings or your spouse, but put all your hope in what God can do. And be patient with the process. God is not deterred by how long it takes to change our lives and therefore our marriages.

If you are divorced and neither of you has remarried, there is still hope.

The original question was, “Where is God in all this?” Knowing how He feels about divorce, I’m always going to say, first, that God has the power to save even a relationship that appears to be hopeless.

But having said that, it’s important to understand that His love is not conditional. Though He often feels distant in our trials and difficulties, I can promise He is not. Our feelings deceive us. We assume when things are going well God is near and when they aren’t He must be far off. Nothing is farther from the truth.

He has promised, “I will never leave you or forsake you.” And that promise is repeated multiple times in the Old and New Testaments because He knows our weakness and temptation to doubt. He knows we need to hear it over and over and over.

I pray that anyone in this situation knows and feels the nearness of God and learns more of His deep lasting love for each of us. It is His greatest desire to help us know His eternal love.

Read more of my advice to my daughters in my book, Letters to My Daughters: The Art of Being a Wife.