When You Want to Quit Your Marriage

Most of us marry with stars in our eyes and expectations that scrape the Milky Way. But there’s not a spouse on earth who hasn’t experienced harsh unexpected disappointments. 

Have you entertained the thought of quitting your marriage at some level? Like piles of heavy wet snow on power lines and branches, accumulated hurts and disillusionment threaten to snap personal resolve as easily as limbs surrender to the overwhelming weight of winter’s crystals.

For Dennis and me, our overarching marriage narrative is a wonderful one because it is a tale of redemption. But in those hard places, before the redemption moments came, before it was spring again, we both experienced the pain of disappointment and loss. I wondered if we’d ever see beauty once more, or if we’d have to settle for a long winter.

I wanted to quit my marriage—not end it entirely, but I wanted to stop trying so hard in the cold heavy parts of our relationship. I felt, “This is too hard, we aren’t getting anywhere.”

I’ve been tempted, and these are real temptations from the enemy of our souls, to ...

·      quit sex;

·      quit working so hard to understand and be understood;

·      quit serving and giving myself;

·      quit biting my tongue and watching my words;

·      quit trying and settle into détente.

Quitting any area of marriage is slamming a door shut on intimacy. Like a thermometer, intimacy is the rising or falling temperature of your marital oneness and depth. Intimacy is not just sex. It’s communication, sacrificial love, self-control, courage … and sex.

What do you do when you feel hope is lost and you want to quit?

Ponder this question in reply: Why do you think Jesus spent so much time with tax-gatherers and sinners as the Pharisees so sharply accused? Quite simply because He knew that they knew their inadequacies and failures. Jesus saw hope for new life, new light in those men and women and children who understood they were broken, needy sinners.

Jesus taught, “Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven” (Matthew 5:3). Simply stated, we can’t receive the gifts of the kingdom unless we know we cannot attain them or buy them or earn them on our own.

We struggle and want to quit in our marriages because we underestimate the sinful natures of our spouse and ourselves. Marriage is hard because, in the words of Ruth Bell Graham, it’s the union of two sinners. As Romans 3:23 tells us, “all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.”

I still remember some crisis points in our marriage. I felt frightened a few times, fearing we’d never find common ground again. I felt lonely, knowing we weren’t operating out of oneness and because I didn’t have anyone I could talk to. I felt unappreciated that my efforts to love, serve, and help weren’t met with the gratitude I had expected.

At my core, I was upset because I wasn’t getting what I wanted. Life wasn’t working the way I thought it should.

And I wanted to quit because I realized I wasn’t able to make it all work. Paul said basically the same thing when he wrote, “For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh. For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out” (Romans 7:18).

Though I felt emotions that scared me, God wasn’t bothered when I wanted to surrender and quit trying. In fact, He kinda liked me in that barren winter place … discovering that my expectations weren’t working … finding I wasn’t sufficient in myself to make everything work in my marriage. He knew I was disappointed with Him, too, and that didn’t bother Him a bit.

Why? Because true marriage is the union of three, not two.

In those alone moments when I had nothing else to try, no book with ten tips waiting on my nightstand, I prayed one of many desperate prayers over the years. I told God, “I have no idea what to do next, no idea what to say or try. Will You show me? Will you guide me?”

Never was there an immediate reply. I always wished for one, but learned to rest in His mysterious ways, to trust He could somehow break the ice … make a way … open my eyes to His beauty.

And that is what He wanted. “Come to Me,” Jesus said. 

I was inadequate … my own attempts a failure … and I needed Jesus and only Jesus.

So what do you do when you feel hope is lost and you want to quit?

Come to Jesus. 

His strength will help you resist the darkness that threatens; the darkness of unbelief and resignation … the darkness of lost hope. IF you will ask and IF you really want to follow Him.

His light will shine on your heart to illumine false thinking, small and large steps of new understanding. IF you are willing to see your sin; IF you are willing to change. (Is there that much sin in me? Oh yes, there is.)

When you come to Jesus, the third Person in your marriage, remember: 

·      He is always praying for you to choose His way. Hebrews 7:25 says Christ “always lives to make intercession” for us.

·      He is your husband when yours fails. Isaiah 54:5 tells us, “For your Maker is your husband.”

·      He is your dearest Friend when you have no one. Jesus says, “You are my friends if you do what I command you” (John 15:14).

·      He is your Comforter when you feel all alone; “Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me” (Psalm 23:4).

·      He waits to guide you by His Spirit; “When the Spirit of truth comes, he will guide you into all truth” (John 16:13).

Your challenge and mine is to believe all this is true and walk by faith when our feelings tell us the opposite. It’s what Jesus did all His life, but especially on the cross. And because He did, He can help us follow His steps.

God’s greatest joy is to rescue, resurrect and restore. It’s His specialty. He loves to take broken hearts, fractured relationships, and shattered hope, and restore it to better than it was before.

I pray you will make your marriage health your highest goal, seeking to grow your relationship with your husband and your Savior.

May you too be counted among those who didn’t quit and because you didn’t discover the wonder of the Resurrection!