Dear Barbara: What am I supposed to do when my husband is leading me into territory that I don’t think is healthy or holy? And he won’t listen? Dear Daughters of Eve: A few years ago Dennis and I signed up for dance lessons. If you had been there to watch, you would have enjoyed many laughs. Happily, we weren’t the only novices in the room, bumbling through one step and then another. Thankfully the instructors were always watching and stepped in to help. They showed us the right way, and we’d attempt to imitate them again.
Many times I feel so painful fighting with my husband, I open the Bible reading 10 minutes, then my feeling totally change, I can forgive him, it is the Power of His words.
This is such a good way to look at marriage. Thank you for the concepts you shared.
The last 10 years since my husband had to retire his flying career, we have experienced a lot of trauma; cancer, Covid, loss of parents, loss of our house in a flood, loss of my job, divorce in kids, and one incarcerated briefly. All in succession left no time to grieve one before another. With those traumas came cognitive problems for my husband and so I started taking over the things he once took charge of. I was leading more and more and his apathy got worse. I got controlling , arrogant and resentful. I was a Christian Counselor helping others find their way to handle life through faith. But I was slowly losing mine out of fear.
Recently, My son took my husband on a trip with their family and I stayed home. God began to reveal to me how for 54 years of marriage, there were many seasons of our lives and often in the middle, I’d wish they’d end because I’d allow the problem to dictate the whole view. You know the thought that when this is finally over, life will be happy. But I realized, we are in the last season perhaps and though he isn’t who he was, he still needs to feel and be honored as the head of our home. Even if we trip over each other sometimes, I can let him lead by the way I respond. Instead of acting frustrated at the missteps, I can have a “gentle (controlled strength) and quieter spirit.” And we can laugh at our stumbling together. I am one who needs purpose everyday so I just go full speed ahead while he is trying to rest from the traumas. Maybe finally he is able to think on them and is going through the grieving. Being alone for those days while he was with my son made me realize that my husband and his needs are my purpose so we can serve others together as he feels ready . If I don’t love him as he needs as the man who took care of me for a lifetime, how can he let go of the anger of loss.
I’m sorry I went on and on here but your image of dancing fits so well. As a wife, we must be discerning on how and when to follow but do it lovingly so as to regain the balance God has ordained for a household.
Very well written. I have sadly known several women who were raised in ungodly religious situations who married men who were narcissistic. They had been trained to follow them without question bc that’s how they were also expected to behave as children - no voice just obedience, and the obedience was often to very rigid rules. Please continue to teach these great lessons while keeping in mind the ‘Growing Kids God’s way’ and Gotthard culture whose kids are now married and finding themselves enmeshed in very difficult marriages. These are the people leaving the church...it’s important as older women that we be in the lookout for these issues! God bless y’all!
Thank you for writing. You are right and I have seen the documentary to which you refer. It’s a good reminder and I’ll mention your concern, bc it’s mine as well, before we run this again in the future.
God bless you! You get it. Now that I know you see my comment, I must tell you that you and Dennis provided the parental, Godly wisdom to us for many years that we lacked. Your rewards in heaven just for your example to us will be huge, I have no doubt! The phrase, ‘faith is the refusal to panic’ probably saved my life. I just didn’t have that kind of faith and had never seen it. So I latched onto that phrase, and I believe it saved my life one day. I think I wrote about that story in the online tribute when y’all retired from Family Life. Anyway, if y’all are ever in Houston, we are now new empty nesters and I would be so over joyed if we could take y’all to dinner one day. God bless you!
Many times I feel so painful fighting with my husband, I open the Bible reading 10 minutes, then my feeling totally change, I can forgive him, it is the Power of His words.
This is such a good way to look at marriage. Thank you for the concepts you shared.
The last 10 years since my husband had to retire his flying career, we have experienced a lot of trauma; cancer, Covid, loss of parents, loss of our house in a flood, loss of my job, divorce in kids, and one incarcerated briefly. All in succession left no time to grieve one before another. With those traumas came cognitive problems for my husband and so I started taking over the things he once took charge of. I was leading more and more and his apathy got worse. I got controlling , arrogant and resentful. I was a Christian Counselor helping others find their way to handle life through faith. But I was slowly losing mine out of fear.
Recently, My son took my husband on a trip with their family and I stayed home. God began to reveal to me how for 54 years of marriage, there were many seasons of our lives and often in the middle, I’d wish they’d end because I’d allow the problem to dictate the whole view. You know the thought that when this is finally over, life will be happy. But I realized, we are in the last season perhaps and though he isn’t who he was, he still needs to feel and be honored as the head of our home. Even if we trip over each other sometimes, I can let him lead by the way I respond. Instead of acting frustrated at the missteps, I can have a “gentle (controlled strength) and quieter spirit.” And we can laugh at our stumbling together. I am one who needs purpose everyday so I just go full speed ahead while he is trying to rest from the traumas. Maybe finally he is able to think on them and is going through the grieving. Being alone for those days while he was with my son made me realize that my husband and his needs are my purpose so we can serve others together as he feels ready . If I don’t love him as he needs as the man who took care of me for a lifetime, how can he let go of the anger of loss.
I’m sorry I went on and on here but your image of dancing fits so well. As a wife, we must be discerning on how and when to follow but do it lovingly so as to regain the balance God has ordained for a household.
Very well written. I have sadly known several women who were raised in ungodly religious situations who married men who were narcissistic. They had been trained to follow them without question bc that’s how they were also expected to behave as children - no voice just obedience, and the obedience was often to very rigid rules. Please continue to teach these great lessons while keeping in mind the ‘Growing Kids God’s way’ and Gotthard culture whose kids are now married and finding themselves enmeshed in very difficult marriages. These are the people leaving the church...it’s important as older women that we be in the lookout for these issues! God bless y’all!
Thank you for writing. You are right and I have seen the documentary to which you refer. It’s a good reminder and I’ll mention your concern, bc it’s mine as well, before we run this again in the future.
God bless you! You get it. Now that I know you see my comment, I must tell you that you and Dennis provided the parental, Godly wisdom to us for many years that we lacked. Your rewards in heaven just for your example to us will be huge, I have no doubt! The phrase, ‘faith is the refusal to panic’ probably saved my life. I just didn’t have that kind of faith and had never seen it. So I latched onto that phrase, and I believe it saved my life one day. I think I wrote about that story in the online tribute when y’all retired from Family Life. Anyway, if y’all are ever in Houston, we are now new empty nesters and I would be so over joyed if we could take y’all to dinner one day. God bless you!