My good friend, Jane Ann Smith, who also has six children and is about 10 years ahead of me in life’s journey, has given me lots of good advice over the years. As I began my empty nest years, I continued to watch her, ask questions and learn from her.
Since my husband is home all the time after retirement , I found I lost that part of me that lived around my children’s lives. I have 4 children, with 23 grand and great grandchildren combined. I want to do fun things with and for all. But my husband feels left out. I’m creative and love to teach. I always want the time to be constructive. He is just goofy with them which is fine. He wasn’t allowed as a child to feel goofy - kids had their place. It’s been hard for me to let go of controlling the times as me being the center. So I have purposefully stepped back when asked to get together with them and said I needed some time to catch up alone. That way he can be who he is with them .
Also with my older grandchildren , I ask permission to share something I’ve learned rather than force it. I ask their opinions and respect what they say. At 73 years old, it is hard to understand the extreme pressures they feel in society so if I don’t ask first, they won’t listen. I’ve found the best relationships are with those who dress strange and dye their hair as a cover up to their fears. Inside they are lost.
Over control is not fun either. It’s based on fear. “God did not give us a spirit of fear, but of love, power and a sound mind.” 2 Tim1:9 is my go to verse.
Thank you for sharing how you too are navigating this season of life. There certainly isn't just one way we can connect with our kids and grands, but it sounds like you are serving them well in listening and learning from them about their world and struggles.
"I realized that I had desperately wanted my children to see all that I had done and was doing for them. I wanted them to somehow affirm that I had done a good job but how could they if I never stopped? "
This so resonates with me. My children are now young adults yet I know they are slowly slipping away from me as I go out into the world. I know there's a lot more to come in the different phases of parenting but I hope to handle it with grace.
Thank you for this beautiful read imparting wisdom.
This is just want I need to read today!!! I am too involved has been my thought...but now I realize no, I'm all tangled up in concerns for a grand's health issues and protecting our daughter. All of which is not mine to untangle. Thank you for wise counsel, prayer is the answer for all issues on this table. And when I see my adult children making choices that are risky, I will remember 'loving detachment' -- not my life to live. Blessings.
I am so glad you were encouraged! It's sometimes a daily struggle to walk in loving detachment and each new issue can bring new opportunities to grow that muscle.
This question goes slightly in a different direction, and hopefully I can get some advice?
My boyfriend of 12 years and myself found a home several years back. There was the daylight basement for his mom, ( we bith don'tget along... AT ALL!)
The property has close to 20 acres, and a place to keep my horse. My fiancés 3 adult kids had all moved onto the property of their mom and step-dad, hoping to build homes within the property. This happened to be a wedding venue, but after 1.5 years the mom of the adult kids decided she no longer wanted to continue, so last summer, they sold it; buying a smaller home, and property.
As you know, the economic times are terrible... the oldest son (30), wife, 3 children, and 2 big dogs moved in. Which, then meant fiancés mom and dog had to move up stairs. Then the youngest son, whom is 25, and has failed at becoming an adult, moved in.
They all are not clean, and we don't get along because of how we were raised. They trashed the house, and I am very OCD, clean-freak and organized.
My fiances mom, sits day in and day out on the couch with her mangy, and stinky dog, (the mom has a hygiene issue, and so does the dog) watching TV all day long. And she has the volume up so loud; yet refusing to get hearing aids so she can actually hear the TV.
The oldest son had started a business, yet he decided to stop, and get a employment. Prior to starting this company they had the most crazy amounts of bills prior to buying all brand new everything for his snow removal, and landscaping Co.
The youngest, will works for awhile, then quits, but parents don't understand 'tough love;' enabling his current behavior. I don't forsee him ever becoming a self-sufficient person.
So I moved out when they all moved in - 9 months ago. I couldn't take it. It broke my heart, and I'm angry that I had to move out.
I'm in a small 1 bedroom, in the City, which I hate because I love working in the yard, garden, and hanging with my horse.
I can't ever go anywhere, so I stay at my place day-in and day-out, suffering tremendous depression.
I might see him once a week (I can't go to the house because all the work I did inside and outside has been ruined. Too hard for me).
He is going through some really stressful items; aside from the living arrangements. Therefore I haven't been able to sit down and talk about things too much. I've tried, but he thinks I'm not being understanding, and I would do the same thing in his situation.
I would always help my kids, but they are taking advantage of their dad. The oldest son has all these things that could be sold, so they would have some money to pay bills (but he doesn'teant to sell his 'toys', and I've heard talk about converting the downstairs into an apartment. And the youngest son... I don't ever see him getting kicked out.
I love my fiance soooo much, but I can't just sit waiting, and my mental health is really bad. Am I wrong????
Since my husband is home all the time after retirement , I found I lost that part of me that lived around my children’s lives. I have 4 children, with 23 grand and great grandchildren combined. I want to do fun things with and for all. But my husband feels left out. I’m creative and love to teach. I always want the time to be constructive. He is just goofy with them which is fine. He wasn’t allowed as a child to feel goofy - kids had their place. It’s been hard for me to let go of controlling the times as me being the center. So I have purposefully stepped back when asked to get together with them and said I needed some time to catch up alone. That way he can be who he is with them .
Also with my older grandchildren , I ask permission to share something I’ve learned rather than force it. I ask their opinions and respect what they say. At 73 years old, it is hard to understand the extreme pressures they feel in society so if I don’t ask first, they won’t listen. I’ve found the best relationships are with those who dress strange and dye their hair as a cover up to their fears. Inside they are lost.
Over control is not fun either. It’s based on fear. “God did not give us a spirit of fear, but of love, power and a sound mind.” 2 Tim1:9 is my go to verse.
Thank you for sharing how you too are navigating this season of life. There certainly isn't just one way we can connect with our kids and grands, but it sounds like you are serving them well in listening and learning from them about their world and struggles.
"I realized that I had desperately wanted my children to see all that I had done and was doing for them. I wanted them to somehow affirm that I had done a good job but how could they if I never stopped? "
This so resonates with me. My children are now young adults yet I know they are slowly slipping away from me as I go out into the world. I know there's a lot more to come in the different phases of parenting but I hope to handle it with grace.
Thank you for this beautiful read imparting wisdom.
Well said! I'm still learning and growing with my children who all have their own children (some of them grown).
This is just want I need to read today!!! I am too involved has been my thought...but now I realize no, I'm all tangled up in concerns for a grand's health issues and protecting our daughter. All of which is not mine to untangle. Thank you for wise counsel, prayer is the answer for all issues on this table. And when I see my adult children making choices that are risky, I will remember 'loving detachment' -- not my life to live. Blessings.
I am so glad you were encouraged! It's sometimes a daily struggle to walk in loving detachment and each new issue can bring new opportunities to grow that muscle.
Thank you for your great advices! also make me laughing happily...
This question goes slightly in a different direction, and hopefully I can get some advice?
My boyfriend of 12 years and myself found a home several years back. There was the daylight basement for his mom, ( we bith don'tget along... AT ALL!)
The property has close to 20 acres, and a place to keep my horse. My fiancés 3 adult kids had all moved onto the property of their mom and step-dad, hoping to build homes within the property. This happened to be a wedding venue, but after 1.5 years the mom of the adult kids decided she no longer wanted to continue, so last summer, they sold it; buying a smaller home, and property.
As you know, the economic times are terrible... the oldest son (30), wife, 3 children, and 2 big dogs moved in. Which, then meant fiancés mom and dog had to move up stairs. Then the youngest son, whom is 25, and has failed at becoming an adult, moved in.
They all are not clean, and we don't get along because of how we were raised. They trashed the house, and I am very OCD, clean-freak and organized.
My fiances mom, sits day in and day out on the couch with her mangy, and stinky dog, (the mom has a hygiene issue, and so does the dog) watching TV all day long. And she has the volume up so loud; yet refusing to get hearing aids so she can actually hear the TV.
The oldest son had started a business, yet he decided to stop, and get a employment. Prior to starting this company they had the most crazy amounts of bills prior to buying all brand new everything for his snow removal, and landscaping Co.
The youngest, will works for awhile, then quits, but parents don't understand 'tough love;' enabling his current behavior. I don't forsee him ever becoming a self-sufficient person.
So I moved out when they all moved in - 9 months ago. I couldn't take it. It broke my heart, and I'm angry that I had to move out.
I'm in a small 1 bedroom, in the City, which I hate because I love working in the yard, garden, and hanging with my horse.
I can't ever go anywhere, so I stay at my place day-in and day-out, suffering tremendous depression.
I might see him once a week (I can't go to the house because all the work I did inside and outside has been ruined. Too hard for me).
He is going through some really stressful items; aside from the living arrangements. Therefore I haven't been able to sit down and talk about things too much. I've tried, but he thinks I'm not being understanding, and I would do the same thing in his situation.
I would always help my kids, but they are taking advantage of their dad. The oldest son has all these things that could be sold, so they would have some money to pay bills (but he doesn'teant to sell his 'toys', and I've heard talk about converting the downstairs into an apartment. And the youngest son... I don't ever see him getting kicked out.
I love my fiance soooo much, but I can't just sit waiting, and my mental health is really bad. Am I wrong????
Susan and I’s book?🥴
Thank you for your faithful counsel to families!